We had a lovely Sunday-starting with Hank and his baby brother hanging out on the floor (in basically the same position)- too cute.

Grayson started grabbing toys this week. I’m in awe of my little boy. I sit with him on the floor, prop him up against me and hold his cow or his rattle in front of him and he grabs it. I kiss his little cheeks and tell him how proud of him I am, and he giggles.

Grabbing, grasping and reaching- things we all take for granted. You want that book sitting on the coffee table? Reach over and pick it up. I can’t imagine how frustrated Grayson must have been all these months- seeing things and knowing he wanted those things in his mouth (he would open his mouth trying to will them in) but not knowing how to get them there.

Just like I take for granted that I can pick a book up off the table, I think if it hadn’t been such a struggle, I would have taken that skill for granted with my baby too. I might be annoyed that he now has a death grip on my hair when I hold him, or frustrated that he grabs the spoon when I’m feeding him, getting sweet potatoes EVERYWHERE- but I’m not. I’m just so unbelievably thankful that my boy’s hands work and he can learn and explore his world with them.

Having Grayson has really forced me to slow down- his pace is slow, and his development is slow. Every day that passes this bothers me less and less. But I fall in love with him more and more. If you read this blog but don’t know Grayson “in person”- he is just the greatest little guy. He is the best cuddler, has the sweetest smile, and gets this mischevious look on his face when he’s standing on my lap (uh oh!). He laughs, he rolls over, and he sure knows how to demand attention. And I know I’ve mentioned he’s the world’s best baby to put down for a nap or for bed. There is so much more that he can do than he can’t. I’m so blessed.

Oh yeah, and he’s pretty stinkin’ adorable too.

It’s been a busy week. It’s funny how my definition of “busy” has changed so drastically in the last year. A year ago, a busy day consisted of a full day of teaching, then a few hours of work at Waggin’ Tails, finished off by a drive into town to tutor- all of this while pregnant. Was I nuts?!

These days, “busy” is a day where we have more than one activity planned. Most days, I get to 6:00 and think, what have we done all day that we are this wiped out?

This week, I was lucky enough to have 2 non-Grayson outings. Monday, I helped a friend (who I used to work for) take embroidery orders from a high school drill team. Afterwards, we went out to dinner and it felt wonderful to be able to relax and enjoy good food and conversation. Wednesday, I went with Denise from WT to the BBB Awards luncheon. Again, just nice to get out of the house and be reminded that not everyone in the world spends their days being drooled on- not that I would want to trade places with anyone who wears a suit and heels 5 days a week.

Thursday, Grayson had a doctors appointment with a new opthamologist, we had lunch with a friend who lives near her office, and then therapy later in the afternoon. I really liked the new doctor, much better than the first opthamologist we saw, but now I am just even more confused. This new doctor does not think G’s optic nerves are hypoplastic- she said they are on the small side, but are perfectly formed and functioning. She also does not think he has cortical vision impairment, which is what G’s vision teacher suspects. I have been reading a textbook on CVI, and G could be the poster child for it, according to the symptoms. However, he has nystagmus (his eyes shift back and forth when he looks at something) and she said nystagmus does not indicate CVI. Then she throws out that she suspects he may have Ocular Albinism- something that has never been mentioned. Ocular Albinism only occurs in males (although girls can be carriers) and can be indicated by light eyes, fair skin and hair. Ok, that’s G, but I am fair skinned, and Ryan has light hair and eyes. The good news is if he does have Ocular Albinism, just from the little research I’ve done online, it’s not as big of a deal as Optic Nerve Hyploplasia. The opthamologist said she would definitely label G as vision delayed but is optimistic about his vision developing.

Great news, yes. BUT- why can’t any two doctors tell us the same thing? How am I supposed to believe this doctor when I get a different diagnosis (or lack of diagnosis) everywhere I go? I have one other appointment scheduled for this month- with a neuro-opthamologist. I’m torn whether to keep it- I think I will go crazy if I hear one more disease or syndrome my son could possibly have. And the thing is- there’s nothing else we can do right now other than what we are already doing. What’s going to another doctor going to do, other than cost us another co-pay and confuse me even more?

Then, yesterday morning while we were at the doctor, the neurologist called and left a message to please call. I had a lot of anxiety all day yesterday because I kept calling and calling and only got voicemail. I thought it would either be EEG results (they told me they would call if it was abnormal) or blood test results. FINALLY, they called me back this afternoon- to tell me that TCH called them and they need MORE URINE. What?! We have to go back to TCH a THIRD time for this one order? AAAA! Well, at least it’s not blood. I think I would have had a breakdown if they needed more blood. Then, we were about to hang up and I asked about the EEG. She put me on hold for a minute and then said, “Oh, he hasn’t read it yet. I’ll put that on his calendar.” Again, What?! So much for no news being good news. Lesson learned- I can’t assume doctors (even ones I really like) are going to follow through on anything. I have to learn to be pushy, and demand answers. So yes, I will be calling next week to find out what that EEG shows.

This post is already a novel, but I have to brag on my little boy- this week, Grayson started grabbing toys in front of him! This is a HUGE accomplishment for him! He doesn’t grab everything, but if I put his favorite toys in front of him- his rattle or his cow- he will clutch them and bring them to his mouth. Go Grayson!

So what if I am doing a So What Wednesday because I don’t have anything else to write about today?

So what if hearing about other people’s MAJOR DRAMA makes me a little more thankful for my relatively drama-free life?

So what if the last two nights of being dog-free (I gave myself and our dogs a mini vacation from each other) made my life SO much easier? I love those dogs but dang, they complicate things!

So what if I’m excited about working on Mother’s Day? I love my job and hey, it gets me out of the house!

So what if my version of a pedicure these days is painting over the chips on the existing polish?

So what if I’m really excited it’s Wednesday because Wednesday means The Middle, Modern Family, and Criminal Minds?

So what if my kid STILL won’t eat his solids? So what- right?

What are you saying SO WHAT to today?

This morning, I read this post from Fearless Formula Feeder and it made me cry. I thought I was past anything to do with my breastfeeding experience making me cry. Apparently not.

If you don’t want to read the post (but you should, because it’s a great post), basically it’s a commentary on this 2003 ad that has been rereleased by the Department of Health and Human Services. Watch the ad. It’s quick- and ridiculous.

Please don’t compare the fact that I feed my child formula to me riding a mechanical bull while pregnant. Just don’t. My child is at risk for a million things- seizures, learning disabilities, being licked to death by our dachshund…NONE of which have anything to do with the fact that he’s formula fed. In fact, as we all already know, formula saved my son’s life.

Then about an hour after processing all that nonsense, I attempted to feed Grayson his breakfast of plums. For the third day in a row, he won’t eat. I hold the spoon at his mouth, put a little on his lip, say mmmm- nothin’. Ok, maybe he just doesn’t like plums. I try butternut squash. Nope. Sweet potatoes (which he used to like, way back in…2 Tuesdays ago). Nada.

I really want Grayson to have a good relationship with food. Selfishly, I just don’t want to deal with a picky eater (we already have one of those in the house- that’s enough!). I love food and I’ll try anything once. I could totally be on Fear Factor. I want Grayson to like different flavors, spices and textures. I want him to be adventurous with food. So far, it’s not happening.

I think (hope? pray?) that this complete non-interest in food is just another developmental delay. Maybe his little body just doesn’t know what to do yet. My friend suggested yesterday that he’s 3-4 months behind on a lot of other stuff, so maybe this is the case with eating too. He’ll get it eventually.

I am thankful that we don’t have any issues with the bottle other than possible reflux, which I am hoping can be taken care of with medication. Medication which I don’t have yet because our insurance is refusing to pay for it. Seriously? You are refusing to pay for medication ordered by a doctor for an infant? Seriously? Hopefully our doctor can take care of this one in the next few days.

Other than all this, we are doing good. I dressed myself and Grayson like it was May 2 this morning. My mistake. Apparently it’s mid-February today…brrr. Not that I’m complaining. Any delay to the fast approaching Texas summer is great with me!

Grayson usually wakes up between 3:30 and 4:00 AM to eat and then goes back down for another hour or two before getting up for the day. So last night before Ryan and I went to bed, I mentioned we didn’t need to set the alarm for the Royal Wedding because we had the perfect alarm clock right next door. Obviously, we are not die-hard Royal fans by imploying this wakeup method. Well, G-Man obviously wasn’t too concerned about the events leading up to the actual nuptials because he didn’t start waking up until 5:30, right when Kate was making her way down the aisle. Perfect!

So Little Man and I got caught up in the wedding excitement and watched ad nauseum, all morning long, until it was time to head to the pediatrician’s office for his weight check. I felt like I was heading to a parent-teacher conference…what grade was my child going to receive? Had our work from the past month feeding him extra calorie formula done any good? I’ll admit something- to get in some 11th hour weight gain I attempted to give him an 8 oz bottle about an hour before we needed to leave. He’s never taken more than 6 ounces at a time. He promptly drank 2 ounces, emphatically refused any more, then 5 minutes later dramatically projectile vomited the 2 ounces all over himself and me. And I had him in a really cute outfit. I’ll show you, Mom.

As of 10:30 this morning, Grayson weighs 14 pounds, 8 ounces. We are back up to the 1.5 percentile. So now only 98.5% of children his age weigh more than him. My little Heavyweight Champ was a pill while the nurse weighed him and checked his heart and oxygen (do you think his 2 specialist appointments, EEG and 2 blood draws the past few weeks have given him a complex?) but thankfully fell asleep so I could talk to the doctor without a screaming-soundtrack. We discussed his possible reflux (he gags, coughs and spits up a lot) so we are going to try Prevacid for a month to see if that makes a difference. I told her about his struggles with solids, which probably are just another developmental delay but if it doesn’t improve in a few months she might refer us to an ENT. We talked about his visits to the neurologist and the endocrinologist and I realized I now sound like I am reading a book when I talk about this stuff. She does not agree with the diagnosis of Septo Optic Dysplasia, because of the lack of evidence of a metabolic disorder. In fact, she had already been sent some of the results of the blood test from Monday! All of the blood and urine came back normal- no metabolic issues. We are still waiting on the chromosomal tests- I’m sure that will take awhile.

So we’ll keep plugging along- it’s a marathon, not a sprint, right? Our next goal- independent sitting. G’s probably still a few months from reaching that goal, but we are working hard. Our newest therapy tool- a diaper box. Gotta love free equipment!

 I love being a stay at home mom and I know I have it good. For the most part, I let G’s whimper in the monitor be my alarm clock in the morning and I am so grateful that we can snuggle, play, and take our time getting the day started instead of rushing to daycare and a full day of work. I love being with my baby for all his giggles and grins, cries and even his dirty diapers. I know that there are a lot of moms who would kill to be in my position and then there are others that would go stir crazy. Grayson is my full time (with lots and lots of overtime) job, and I love my job.

 But every once in awhile, I need a break. I need to take my mommy timecard and clock out.

And by a break, I don’t mean the few hours every afternoon when he’s napping. I mean I need to get out of the house and not be in charge.

Ryan works really, really hard so I can stay home with Grayson. He leaves the house at 5:30 AM and on a non-game night, gets home around 6:30 PM. If he has a game, it could be anywhere from 9:00 to after midnight when he rolls in. During football season, he works 7 days a week and softball season (now) usually 6 days. He loves coaching and he loves his family, but it’s frustrating to have him gone so much. It makes me sad that he sees so little of his son during the week (I try so hard to keep G awake until Daddy gets home but the little guy is so tuckered out by 6:00 that I’m often not successful).

I’m having a hard time with Ryan’s job. Like I said before, I need to get out of the house. I am trying so hard to learn to be a decent cook, but taking Grayson to the grocery store is difficult- he can’t sit up in the cart and doesn’t tolerate the snap-and-go stroller very well. I desperately need to get my eyebrows waxed and my hair cut, but obviously can’t do that with a baby.

I do have help- family has been wonderful and I’ve had lots of offers from friends willing to help. I need to get better about taking friends up on their offers. Why is it so hard to ask for and accept help?

I saw my counselor today- she suggested (as have several other people) that I look into a mother’s day out program. She helped me realize that if I had some time for me I will probably be less resentful of Ryan’s hours at work. She was also very happy to hear that we’ve decided that Ryan is not going to teach summer school this year. I’m excited to have him home to have some real family time, at least for about 6 weeks until football season starts.

I really hope this doesn’t sound like I’m whining. Sometimes I feel really guilty that I feel overwhelmed and stressed and want time away, because I’m getting to do the job that I’ve always wanted. But everyone should have some time off-right?

Just wanted to share a little adorableness…Ryan’s mom stayed with G today when I went to my appointment- this is what I came home to. Oh, he is just so darn cute.

I just wanted to share some acts of kindness I have received over the past few days. What a blessing!

Denise, the owner of WT (and my friend), went with me to Texas Children’s TWICE in the last week for morale support. Grayson had to have a lot of blood drawn for genetic testing that was ordered by the neurologist. The last time he had to have blood drawn, I went by myself and it was traumatic. We went last Thursday and they couldn’t get a vein. I do NOT like my baby to be stabbed with a needle with no results! So we had to go back yesterday when the really good blood-drawer was there (shouldn’t they all be really good if they are working with babies and kids?). Thankfully, this time it worked. Thank God Denise was there because she was totally the assistant- grabbing syringes, twisting lines, holding screaming G down while they were getting their million vials of blood. She made the whole experience so much less stressful.

This morning, I met a friend at Panera Bread for breakfast before Bible study. This sweet friend has been so great to talk to about Grayson- she has a precious girl with a lot of medical issues. She has given me lots of tips on how to talk to doctors, tricks on dealing with insurance, etc…I am so grateful I’ve gotten to know her. Anyway, I ordered my bagel and coffee and even though there were more people in line, the sweet woman who took my order saw I had G and told me she would fix my coffee for me and bring me my breakfast at the table. Such a small gesture of kindness, but it really meant a lot to me (and saved me from having to balance a carseat on one arm and a bagel and hot coffee in my hands- probably not a good combination).

In the course of one of our discussion topics at Bible study this morning, one of the leaders told me I was beautiful. I have been feeling particularly non-beautiful for awhile now, and I don’t believe her (my self-esteem is fine, I just feel like a Ihadababylessthanayearagoandreallyhaven’tdoneanykindofworkoutinIdon’twanttoadmithowlong-blob). It was very sweet of her to say though.

Last week, G’s therapist brought us three cans of formula to try (their office had been sent some by Similac and they were looking for babies that could use it.) It’s NeoSure, which is already beefed up to 22 calories/ounce, which is what we are feeding G to get him to gain weight. She asked us yesterday if we liked it and if we’d like some more. Yes please! I went by their office today and they gave me a box with TWELVE cans!!! Just because I’m curious, I looked up on Amazon how much it would have cost us. 15 cans would cost $224.85! SCORE! (I wish this meant I had $224.85 to spend on something fun. Unfortunately, it doesn’t).

So many of you have been so sweet to comment on my posts–thank you! Your comments are so encouraging and mean the world to me!



G was so impressed with the train that he fell fast asleep



Hanging out with Daddy



Mr. Beautiful Blue Eyes



Diapers: I ran out of size 1-2 and didn’t want to buy another box, so we are officially into our stash of size 2s. They are a little big, but are working!

Clothes: Almost all 3-6 months or 6 month clothes. I did buy him some 9 month jammies for the length and they seem to be more comfy than the 6 month ones.



I love his expression in this picture- so proud of himself!





Two cool dudes at the park

Sleep: Still going great at night, and this month’s big accomplishment-Grayson is napping in his crib! He’s put himself on a little schedule; one or two short naps in the morning and a long one (2-3 hours) in the afternoon. He prefers to be on his tummy, which I am totally not freaked out by anymore (thank goodness for video monitors!)