It’s been a sad, confusing week. Last Friday, I was on my way to Dallas for my sister’s wedding and got word that one of Grayson’s teachers had very unexpectedly passed away at the age of 37. Alexis had been Grayson’s teacher since he started at The Caroline School in August of 2012. They spent 30 hours a week together. For a child who thrives on consistency and routine, Alexis was a hugely important part of Grayson’s life, and he adored her. All the children did.
I am so completely stressed out right now. I won’t rehash all the details here, because I honestly don’t want to think about all the crap that’s happened the last six weeks or so, but it involves a LOT of money spent on unexpected house repairs, shady repair people, car repairs, and hours and hours in the car with three small children. It got to the point a few weeks ago where I was dreading getting out of bed in the morning because I just knew something bad was going to happen.
(Also, counting my blessings and all that, we have all been healthy, thank God)
Something has got to change. I hate, HATE driving and I spend hours in the car every day. And to make it worse, I think Nolan hates the car more than I do and screams almost the whole time we are in the car unless we are going 70 mph on the freeway. And this rarely happens because Houston traffic is awful, even at 2:30 in the afternoon. And when Nolan screams, it upsets Charlotte, and she screams. Then the two of them screaming stresses out Grayson and he starts to cry. And then I feel guilty and upset that all three of them are so miserable and my anxiety goes through the roof, and a lot of times I start to cry. We are a mess.
Today we were in the car almost four hours total. That’s not right. We were trying to get to a doctors appointment for Grayson- an appointment I’ve already had to reschedule twice. There was an accident on the freeway and we were trapped for almost two hours- and had to cancel the appointment. The kids were screaming almost the entire time. Finally, we made it to Chick Fil A, and thank God for the sweet woman who helped me get everyone in (a stroller, wheelchair and toddler). Nolan was still hysterical and she offered to get him some ice cream to calm him down- and she was being totally serious. Ha! Ryan met us there (he took off work early to take G to his appointment, ugh) and we ate, Nolan nursed, and Charlotte played. We all calmed down, but then we had to load everyone back in the van to get home, and of course that got Nolan started again.
I don’t want to be a stressed out mom, with stressed out kids, but I fear that’s the atmosphere we are in right now. People say, don’t wish these days away, enjoy your kids when they are little. That’s not the problem with me. I do enjoy my kids- I just don’t enjoy the rush, rush, rush in the morning just to sit for 45 minutes in traffic with crying babies. I don’t enjoy doing something fun and relaxing with them in the morning, only to be faced with the decision whether or not it’s worth it to drive all the way home for an hour, only to turn around and drive back in again. I hate listening to Charlotte cry “I want to go home” and “I want to stay at home with you” and I can’t give her what she wants.
We are planning to move- back to the suburb where we lived before Charlotte was born. We want a yard, neighbors, and a life. A life where we live. I want fighting traffic on a major freeway to be the exception rather than an every day occurrence. I want to find things to fill our days in our neighborhood instead of a 30 minute drive away. I’m just DONE with the way things are right now. I need a change. Now, I just need to be patient while this process unfolds, and possibly invest in some earplugs…