Blah Monday

I am having a blah day.

I feel like crap- sick to my stomach. Reminds me of being pregnant (No, I am definitely NOT pregnant) but without the there’sababygrowinginsidemesothisistotallyworthit feeling. Now it’s a there’sanactualbabyneedingmyundividedattentionalldaylongsoIcan’tlayonthecouchallday feeling. This is a new one- the first time I’ve wanted to call in sick to my job- except there’s no calling in sick when you’re a mom.

I also feel paralyzed by projects I want to do but can’t seem to take the first step in doing them. And I want my house to be cleaner and more organized, but again, I just can’t seem to make it happen.

I am also pissed off at whatever country/dictator is making gas $3.25/gallon. I am not a Stay at Home kind of Stay at Home Mom. Grayson and I like to go, see, and do. But now I feel guilty getting in the car just to get out of the house.

So I’m not having a sunshine and roses kind of day (although it is gorgeous outside today and we did take about a 30 minute walk this morning), but it’s ok. It’s Monday, and Monday doesn’t have a great reputation for being a fantastic day anyway.

Grayson and I were both laying on the floor this morning (my version of a sick day) and I took some silly pictures of him eating his hands. His hands must really taste delicious because he sure goes after them with unbridled enthusiasm!

Here’s to a better day tomorrow!


Thumb or Dummy?

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you might have seen this cute little picture I posted yesterday:
G has sucked his thumb before, off and on, but was definitely not in a committed relationship with the appendage. He did however, have quite the infatuation with his big green pacifier. However, yesterday morning I think some voice in his little head was whispering Hey kid, why would you want a dummy (what they call pacifiers in the UK, which I think is hilarious) when you could have the real thing, the good stuff?
Um, yeah. Mommy, admittedly, thought this was precious- yesterday. All day long, he sucked, sucked, sucked- I even had to pry that thumb out of his mouth to eat! He made the sweetest little slurping noises as he sucked and lulled himself to sleep. Precious- but again, yesterday.
Yesterday passed. G woke this morning (after sleeping through the night for the third night in a row- I just had to add that in!) still suck, suck, sucking away. Precious. By 7 this morning, he was absolutely refusing the dummy (can I call it that forever now?) but wasn’t always defaulting to the thumb when he got upset. Hmm.
We went to visit friends this morning. By the time we got to their house, about 20 minutes from ours, G was in hysterics. I took him in and couldn’t calm him down. He wouldn’t take his dummy and I think he was too upset to remember about his thumb. Finally, I made him a bottle, and that pacified him for a little while. The next few hours, we played, chatted and G actually took the dummy for a few minutes and fell asleep. But by the time we left, the hysterics had started again. Thankfully, once we got in the car, the thumb had made its triumphant return to his mouth and he slurp, slurp, slurped all the way home (by the way, try to type “slurp” 3 times really fast- did you have as much trouble as I did?).
So, what do I think about this new relationship between my son and his thumb? Not sure. I mean, a positive is the thumb is attached, so no more digging under his armpits at stoplights to find the dumb dummy in his carseat could be nice. But then there’s the matter of him quitting in a few years. I doubt it would be very easy for smokers to quit smoking if their cigarettes were actually attached to their fingers. Yeah, I know, totally not the same thing- but you know what I mean.
But I guess it doesn’t matter what I think because G’s going to suck his thumb or not suck his thumb regardless of my opinion. I just wish he’d pick one- the thumb or the dummy- and quit stringing  the other along!

So What Wednesday

So what if…

I still have our Christmas card on the mantle because I think it’s so cute.

I still wake up (well, half wake up) at least once a night with Izzy snuggled against me under the covers and think it’s Grayson, and I freak out a little.

Ryan jokes every time he goes to get the mail that he’s going to get our million dollar check that was mailed to us, and a tiny part of me really believes it could happen.

Ryan and I also have serious conversations about what we would do if we won the lottery.

I am genuinely sad that this is Oprah’s last season.

I am jealous of other bloggers who have hundreds of followers (heck, I’d be thrilled with tens of followers) and get a million comments on all their posts.

I have a lot of things I would like to blog about, but I’m scared of what the reaction would be from some of my readers.

I just discovered (well, took the time to figure out) Google reader this past week. Oh, it’s fabulous!

My goofy Gabby has been licking the leather couch for 10 minutes and I’m too lazy to make her stop.

I share a bathroom with my son instead of my huband. Grayson’s and my bathroom has a much better shower!

I have a zillion brilliant ideas for decorating G’s playroom and have only done one so far (I painted a picture of a dragon).

What are you saying So What to today?

5 Months!

Happy 5 Months sweet boy! We have had a GREAT few weeks- I have seen Grayson change dramatically since my last “month” post. Also, all 3 of our therapists have said that Grayson is a totally different baby than when we started therapy! This is a huge encouragement to me, because sometimes doing his “work” is no fun at all!

This month Grayson has started:

  • Tracking with his eyes- he will follow a rattle or toy as long as I move it very slowly and it makes some sort of noise
  • Rolling over back to tummy- he’s only done this a few times, but he’s proven he can do it! In fact, this is how I found him in his crib one morning last week!
  • “Talking”- we carry on “conversations” all day- he is quite the chatterbox!
  • YELLING- he’s figured out that sometimes a (very loud) AAAAAHHHHH right in Mommy’s ear is more effective than crying
  • Laughing- my favorite
  • Tolerating tummy time- he’s getting better every day. His goal is 2 minutes/4 times a day on his tummy without fussing. Most days we reach that goal.

And his most amazing accomplishment…just last night, on the eve of his 5 month birthday….drumrolll…

HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so proud of him, and he woke up in a great mood (and I was in a great mood too, being all well rested)
Holding the bell at music class
In other 5 month news, just because I need to document this stuff: Grayson weighs 12 pounds, 12 ounces and is eating 4-5 ounces/feeding. He is still wearing size 1 diapers and mostly 0-3 month clothes, although I do put him in some 6 month things that are a little big. Last Friday at our Tiny Tots and Tunes music class, I put the little bell in his hand and he actually held onto it and brought it to his mouth! He has never done that before! He hasn’t done it since, but is started to hold onto rings and small objects I put in his hand. He loves his “crinkle” (the shiny mylar paper we use for his vision work) and will grab it and move it to his mouth. He isn’t reaching at toys yet, but his therapist told me yesterday she thinks it won’t be long before he starts doing that!
Grayson is going bald! Look at the difference in his newborn hair and his 5 month hair. I know it will come back, but eek!
I can’t believe my Little Man is almost half a year old! In some ways I’m sad, but it’s so exciting to see him growing, changing and let’s face it- just becoming more and more adorable!


I stubbed my toe this morning. It hurt and I cussed under my breath (ok, maybe not so much under my breath). When the pain subsided, and I was fine, I had a thought that really surprised me.

I don’t want Grayson to ever have to feel the pain of stubbing his toe.

What?! That was a really random thought, I thought. Have I really become that mommy, the one who is horrifed at the thought of her child in any sort of pain, no matter how minor and short lived? Maybe.

Maybe it’s because I feel guilty- guilty that in his four, almost five, short months on this earth, Grayson has already had to endure pain- he’s had several IVs which took several attempts to insert correctly, two spinal taps (one successful), routine vaccination shots, and last Friday, he had to have FOUR vials of blood drawn, and in the process blew three veins. Four vials of blood at a time seems like a lot for an adult to have drawn, let alone a confused, hurting, screaming infant.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, that it’s not the appropriate emotion, since all of this pain has either saved his life, is preventing life-threatening diseases, or is helping diagnose what is wrong with him so we can help him live a productive, happy life.

And he is happy, laughing more and becoming more and more curious about his world every day. Just like I have no lasting pain from stubbing my toe this morning, Grayson doesn’t remember the needles, the blood, or the stinging. Even the bruises on his little arms are gone. He’s ok.

When I taught 4th grade, any time one of the kids was “hurt” at recess (a scrape, a bump, or a scratch) my standard reponse to their pitiful complaining was, “Oh, just go put some water on it.” Usually, a wet paper towel on their skin had magical healing powers. I wish I had a magical wet paper towel right now that I could wipe on Grayson’s eyes to make them see, to wipe on his neck to make it sturdy, and to wipe all over his future to prevent hurt feelings, broken hearts, and pain.

But I don’t want Grayson to be a wuss, either. I want him to get a scar that has a really cool story behind it, to spend his summers with skinned knees and dirty hands, and for him to ask out that cute girl in his class even though she may reject him.

So I guess this is normal for being a mom- knowing in my head and heart that my child has to hurt sometimes in order to heal, and to bleed to become tough. But that doesn’t make it any less hard, and heartbreaking, to see him go through it.

There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute

When we leave the house, our 3 little dogs stay in a big crate. They are totally fine in the crate, and a lot of times will go in there on their own. But when we come home, they go NUTS. We can hear them start barking when we pull in the driveway. This used to just be an annoyance, but now it presents a problem if Grayson has fallen asleep in the car and we don’t want him to wake up.

The obvious solution…Bark Off! As seen on TV, Bark Off is guaranteed to…

A few weeks ago, I was at WalMart, exchanging diapers (they will do it without a receipt, unlike Target and BRU) and I see BarkOff for $9.97. So I jump at the chance to come home to a peaceful, quiet house with well behaved, calm dogs waiting patiently in their crate. Ha.

I’ve used Bark Off for 2 weeks now. To be fair, the instructions did say to be patient and give your dogs time. Time to clue in that the high pitched, ultrasonic, inaudible to humans sound is dogspeak for “Shut the hell up!”? Well, I’ve given it time. Either my dogs are idiots or this thing just doesn’t work. THIS is what I come home to now:

I want my $9.97 back.

Cute Baby: Valentine’s Edition

The bugs are Grayson’s feet!
Ah, Valentine’s Day. The love, the kisses, the hugs, the fussing, the diaper blowout, the nothing is going to make me happy mood my little Valentine was in all day. Luckily, we did have a few minutes of adorableness in front of the camera this morning. I have no brainpower (or energy) left to write anything sweet, cute, or clever, but enjoy the cuteness anyway. Happy Valentine’s Day friends!

My two Valentines

How I Feed My Baby

I wrote this post a few months ago, but didn’t publish it until today, because Grayson’s story is featured today on another blog and I wanted to link it to that. When I wrote this, how I feed Grayson was an incredibly emotional issue for me and I was dealing with a lot of guilt and feeling like a failure because I wasn’t able to breastfeed him. Since then, we’ve moved on to other issues, both serious (his developmental and vision issues) and not as serious (but SERIOUSLY, dude, when are  you going to sleep through the night?!). I hardly ever think about breastfeeding anymore- and a few months ago there’s no way I would have believed I would ever be at that point. So I just want to say to anyone who may be struggling with any feelings of guilt and regret as to how you are feeding your baby, it DOES get better…I promise. As long as you are loving that baby with everything you have, it really doesn’t make that much difference where his food comes from.

If you know the story of Grayson’s first few weeks of life, you know he had some eating issues. Specifically, he was not getting the food he needed from me, which made him a very sick little boy. Of course, as a mother, this brought on tremendous heartache and guilt, and the first 4 weeks of Grayson’s life were probably the most physically and emotionally trying time of my life. At the end of Grayson’s fourth week, I stopped trying to breastfeed and pump. It was an extrememely difficult and emotional decision, but it was the best decision for our family.

  • I 100% agree with all the doctors, lactation people, and breastfeeders that “Breast is Best”. In a perfect world, Grayson would be breastfeeding right now. But it’s not a perfect world. And though breastmilk provides optimum nutrition, formula works pretty great too- Grayson is growing, happy, and look at these chubby cheeks!
  • When I have another baby, I will absolutely give breastfeeding another shot. I will also supplement with formula at first though- we aren’t going through this again.
  • There are some advantages to formula feeding: Daddy (and whoever else) can feed Grayson, I know EXACTLY how much food my baby is getting every feeding, I’m not strapped to a torture device pump every few hours, and I don’t have to deal with exposing myself in public.
  • Yes, formula costs money, but there are some great coupons and Grayson now eats Target brand formula, which has the exact ingredients as the name brands, but is almost half the cost. Also, for most people, breastfeeding is NOT free- breastfeeding pillows, bras, tanks, pads, creams, pumps, storage bags, lactation consultants,and prescription meds if you have a problem- all cost money.
  • FEEDING THE BABY is the whole point of well, feeding the baby. I have to remind myself of this daily.  It’s not about ME, it’s about Grayson. I have to let go my pride about this, and I am still struggling about what people think about me because I am formula feeding. It’s getting a lot easier though.

Grayson’s cousin Cooper feeding him on Christmas Eve

Controversial Old Navy onesie…I think it’s pretty cute!
I am so thankful we live in this age of technology, where there is so much support available right at our fingertips. I have found several blogs that have helped me work through my emotions about this issue. One of these blogs was started by an amazing woman to support women who choose to formula feed their babies. Most of the women who follow and contribute to this blog have similar stories as mine- they struggled with breastfeeding and ultimately chose to formula feed. I sent in my and Grayson’s story and it is featured on the blog today. Here is the link if you would like to read:

Forget Tummy Time, Give me a Massage!

If this baby didn’t have the life before, he sure does now. We had a meeting with the OT this morning and among other things, she gave me a lesson on infant massage. The massage is supposed to help with Grayson’s awake time and allow him to tolerate more “active alert” learning time.

We stripped his pants and greased his little legs up with olive oil (which by the way, smells great and is very absorbant, so it doesn’t leave a greasy mess when you’re done). She taught me the different techniques to use on his legs and feet- this is all we are starting with, and next week we’ll move to arms and tummy- she didn’t want to overwhelm him (or me).

G loved it! He smiled almost the whole time and I really felt him relax with the strokes. Ms. Joan (the OT) wants us to do the massage exactly the same way and same place every day. She said that for babies, especially with vision issues, predictability is key and will build their confidence and awareness of their own bodies.

I’m excited to add massage to our daily routine- it’s just too bad we can’t do it on a tropical island somewhere, sipping pina coladas!

Being a Mom is All About Change

My body changed…

Poor pants with no body able to fit into them
I change a LOT of diapers…

Yay Bodily Functions!

 I change my clothes…

Spit Happens

 I change the laundry…

The not so fun part of sweet little baby clothes

I change sheets…

I change batteries…

Our favorite battery-powered lifesaver

I get change back…

I am trying hard to stay away from this one!

And of course, my heart and priorities have changed forever…