What a year it has been. It has no doubt been a year of uncertainty, hope and anticipation, as well as year of fear, grief, surprise, and joy.
And those questions I asked a year ago have, for the most part, been answered. We know, in general, what is going on in Grayson’s body, although we never know what symptoms will manifest each day and if we’ll spend that day going to a playdate or checking in at the ER.
We now know that Grayson’s life on earth will probably be shorter than most, but we pray for as many happy, pain free years as possible for our little guy. We know his future may consist of more surgeries, hospital stays and doctors appointments, but know it will be filled with love, hugs and kisses, music, and family.
No, Grayson will most likely never walk, but we aren’t ruling out the possibility of miracles. Walking, talking, and all the other milestones that seemed so huge a year ago are barely a blip on my radar screen now. I just want him to be here. And happy.
And yes, we will have more children (at least one, anyway)- that question answered in late May. It wasn’t exactly answered the way we planned it would be, with careful analysis of genetic testing and possibly medical interventions to ensure a healthy baby, but we are trusting that God knows better than we do what’s best for our family.
Baby C will be here soon- very soon. I’m 35 weeks pregnant today. I alternate between such conflicting emotions, sometimes within the same breath it seems. I’m anxious and well, terrified, of taking care of Grayson and a newborn at the same time. I’m so excited to hold and cuddle this little one on the outside, but also know I will grieve not being pregnant. I want to know if we’ll be bringing Baby C home in pink or blue, and how Grayson will accept and relate to his little brother or sister. I won’t have to wait much longer for those answers- 5 weeks or less!
2012 taught me to live intentionally, with a plan, but flexibly, because plans always change. I’ve learned to question everything, especially related to modern medicine, because doctors are human and don’t always recommend what’s best for my family. 2012 reconfirmed over and over and over that people care, and that they pray, and that they are so generous. I learned a hard lesson in 2012 that sometimes the decisions that are right and are best are often the most difficult to make and live with. And 2012 taught me the words stamped on a bracelet given to me by a precious friend for Christmas are in fact, true. I am “stronger than she thought”.
I look forward to 2013 with mostly optimism and hope. We’ll be in a new house soon, a fixer-upper that we plan on truly making a home for our little family of four. Grayson is stable and happy right now, and for his sake, I hope that medically he has a calm and uneventful year. I hope that even as my life gets exponentially busier and more complicated, I can continue to foster relationships that have become so dear to me in 2012.I work so hard at my role as mother, but I want to be a better wife, daughter and friend and give back somehow to those who have given me so much.