Joy and Sadness

I’ve said before that I almost never cry about Grayson. I recognize that there’s an emotional disconnect there, and I think most of the time that wall between reality and my emotions is necessary for me to function day to day, take care of my children, and generally have a positive outlook on most aspects of life.

But several times over the past few days, the emotions have been seeping through the cracks of that wall. And instead of pushing the feelings down and hurrying to the next thing on my to-do list, I’ve been intentional about allowing myself to feel what I feel and I’ve even been able to cry a little.

We went to the ranch this past weekend, and really had the best time we’ve had there yet. And I know this is because Charlotte can fully participate now: she’s totally mobile, understands what we say to her and has boundless enthusiasm and energy for going and doing. And she and her cousin Theo were just precious and many memories were made: posing together in the bathtub covered in soap suds, bouncing up and down on the bed, chasing each other around the house, and getting filthy dirty while discovering nature together. Those two are a crazy, silly, adorable pair…a pair that really should be a trio.

Grayson is less than a month away from turning four. FOUR! Four year olds love to get dirty, pester their little sisters and stay up late laughing and singing with their cousins and aunts and uncles. I try to imagine how Grayson would be if he was healthy- how silly he would be, and how much energy he would have. It’s hard, and I can’t really imagine it about him- just about a generic kid that kind of looks like him. But it’s not him. Grayson is who he is and I love him for who he is- but as his sister grows further and further from her days as a baby and starts doing more and more things, it hits me like a ton of bricks how limited Grayson is and how much he misses out.

But we include him where we can. He hangs out on the porch with the guys,
cuddles with his Grammie and snuggles with his sister.

And oh how we love him so, even as it hurts.

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4 thoughts on “Joy and Sadness

  1. I would imagine that Charlotte's development really causes much reflection on what Grayson has missed out on. The one thing that he never misses out on is your love, though, and that is the most important thing!

    I'm glad you let the emotions flow freely. Sometimes, we just need to do that.

  2. He is precious for what he is. He was given to you because God knew how much you would love him and take care of him. And do cry…it's not a shame. Our souls need tears sometimes.

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