My sweet Charlotte is 5 days old today. I promise I will write her birth story soon, when I get the chance between feedings, laundry, diapers, and all the emotions that come with having a 5 day old.
Oh the emotions. There are the typical weepy, overwhelmed, exhausted feelings- sure, I expected those. But there are the ones I didn’t expect, the ones that have made me deal with what happened two years ago, when Grayson was a newborn.
Charlotte had a checkup yesterday with the pediatrician, to check her weight and just make sure everything is ok- it is. The nurse took her temperature and I asked what it was. When she said “98” I started bawling, and couldn’t stop. I was having a major flashback of Grayson’s first checkup when his temperature was 94.9 and at first the nurse thought something was wrong with her thermometer.
I’ve been crying about it off and on ever since. Charlotte wakes to eat, is breastfeeding like a champ, is peeing and pooping regularly, and is basically doing everything a healthy newborn should do. This has made me incredibly happy, amazed, and relieved, but also so, so sad.
I’m sad because I never really realized how not okay Grayson was from the very beginning. He didn’t eat because he couldn’t, not because I wasn’t making milk. He was so weak and little and his brain never told his body to wake up to eat. And he wasn’t eating enough to wet his diapers, so he got dehydrated and cold.
I am so sad for that little baby, the one who no one knew was fighting an awful disease from the time he was born.
So today, while I’m celebrating and relishing the beauty and miracle of this newborn…
I’m also grieving for this one.