It’s been nearly a week since Grayson got his diagnosis. I am so thankful for the abundant love and support our little family has received. We know people care about and are praying for Grayson around the country (and even the world) and are so grateful.

I’ve cried almost every day since Friday. Since we started this journey, I really haven’t cried much- I guess I feel like the majority of time I have to keep it together for him- if I fall apart, this whole operation falls apart. But the reality of the situation has been sinking in- my son has a chronic disease that will affect him his entire life. His life will be very, very different than the life I imagined for my child, and as a result, our family will be very different as well. No, different isn’t necessarily bad, but this disease isn’t “good” either. Having a 19 month old who doesn’t eat, crawl (yet!), sit up, walk, or talk is hard- it just is.

I saw my counselor on Monday and she helped me work through my fears, especially the fear that Grayson has Leighs. But the reality is we don’t have any idea which type of Mito Grayson has, and won’t know for at least another few months, if ever. So I’m not going to be in denial about it, but also can’t let fear take over my life. I have too much to live for and enjoy right now, today.

My little guy has truly been amazing me the past few days. The Mito specialist doubled the dose of CoQ10 prescribed by our neurologist, as well as increased the dosages of his other supplements. I’d been giving him too little of the CoQ10 because I converted the milligrams to milliliters wrong (yes, I’m a former math teacher, shame on me). So actually now he’s getting 10 TIMES the amount he has been the past few months.

Well, it’s doing it’s job, apparently. Grayson spent a good part of today in this position.

And he has figured out he can MOVE himself by picking his hands up and turning his body.

CoQ10, where have you been all my life?

Sadly, he got his first “crawling” injury a few minutes after I snapped this picture- a busted lip on the wood floor. Poor little tough guy.

The most amazing thing today (and I didn’t have my camera, grr) was when I went into his room when he woke up from his nap. I got right up close to him so he could see me, and he got a big grin on his face, pushed himself up and grabbed the crib railing! I seriously almost fell over.

I’m realizing there is a good thing about having a child with developmental delays, as I’ve been told. I truly do marvel and appreciate the “inchstones”. Any tiny bit of progress is cause for celebration (or a slobbery kiss from Izzy).

Dear Grayson,

19 Months! Counting in months, you are now closer to 2 than you are 1- wow. I can’t believe how time is flying. Developmentally, this has been a big month for you. You desperately want to be on the move and are constantly getting yourself in the crawling position, rocking back and forth. I just know that one of these days I’m going to look up and you will be across the room- I can’t wait for that moment!

I love how you are so proud of yourself- you should be!

You are also FINALLY getting some more teeth- I was starting to think the eight you have were all you were going to get- ha! You have four coming in right now- that’s right, four teeth all at the same time. Oy. Thankfully, it hasn’t been too bad- you poor thing, having so many other issues, teething really isn’t that big a deal, is it?

You’ve been having some rough times the last few weeks- lots of little seizures and pain. When I hold you and you are screaming in pain, your little feet shaking, I just feel helpless and so, so, sad. I am so sorry for all you have to go through, little man, and I pray constantly that your body will give you some peace.

Taking a rest- trying to crawl is hard work

You continue to grow, and in my opinion, just get cuter and cuter every day. Everywhere we go, people comment on your adorable-ness and your gorgeous blue eyes. You now weigh almost 22 pounds and you look good. I think once our stash of size 3 diapers runs out, we are going to move on to size 4! We are working hard on teaching you to eat by mouth again, and your are starting to enjoy the taste of food. You will accept almost anything in your mouth- usually after tasting it, you spit it out, but at least you are enjoying different tastes and textures.

You continue to have an obsession with Veggie Tales music- we play their Silly Songs album over and over, and I love to watch the grin you get on your face at your favorite parts.

Listening to the Belly Button Song- you love it!

This coming month, we have a few doctors appointments and lots of therapy, but also some fun things planned. While the weather is still bearable, we’ll be taking walks and going to the swings whenever we can. You were also invited to a pool party with the families from your new school, which should be super fun!

I love you so much, sweet boy, and am so proud of you. You inspire me every single day.

Love,
Mommy

(Grayson is 19 months old today, and I have his letter written and ready to post, but no pictures. Poor little dude is sick today and I didn’t really want to put pictures of him screaming or sleeping on the post, which is all he’s been doing today. So if he’s feeling up to it, we’ll try for some pictures tomorrow. So anyway, Happy 19 Months G-Man!)

The following is an email I wrote today with details about what’s going on with Grayson.

Hello Friends,

I wanted to let you know what’s going on with Grayson and ask for prayer for a few specific things. Please feel free to forward this on…

We had our first appointment with the Mitochondrial Disease specialist Friday morning. She did diagnose Grayson with Mito based on his muscle biopsy results and recurrent abnormal lab results. There are many different types of Mito, and we don’t know which type he has yet- hopefully the genetic testing will show the affected gene. We will get those results late June.

The specialist does want to test Grayson for a specific type of Mito called Leighs Disease. The prognosis of kids with Leighs is very poor- most of them don’t survive longer than a few years. Our neurologist ran a blood test for Leighs a few months ago, and we thought we had ruled it out. We did rule out that it couldn’t have come directly from me, but it could be a combination of both me and Ryan, or could occur spontaneously. The specialist is concerned for Leighs because Grayson’s symptoms presented so early in life and his developmental delays are so severe.

Leighs Disease causes lesions to form on the brain, so the doctor ordered an MRI. She also ordered a list of other tests: spinal tap, EKG/Echo, a sleep study, and more bloodwork. We were able to get some of the blood taken yesterday, but Grayson’s veins weren’t cooperating so I’ll have to take him back Monday to get the rest. She also wants us to see an immunologist and ENT, and has increased the dosage on his supplements and added a few more.

We asked the doctor her opinion on whether Grayson will ever walk and talk. She says because he is doing a lot of good things right now (he bears weight on his legs and has started getting into the crawling position) he may walk someday, probably with assistance from a walker of some sort. She doesn’t think he’ll ever communicate like we do, but may learn to say a few words. Of course we know doctors don’t know everything, and we won’t put any limitations on what God can do for our child.

The hardest part of all this is it will most likely be a few months before we find out if he has this disease or not because of scheduling all the tests and waiting for results.

Please pray for the following things:

• First, we want to boldly pray that Grayson does NOT have Leighs Disease. We want Grayson to have a long, full life.
• Pray for peace as we wait for the testing to be scheduled, completed, and the results to be given
• Pray that the genetic testing we are having run right now shows the gene that is defective. This is important for several reasons. One, it will give us prognosis for Grayson as well as possible treatment options. Two, if we know the gene that is defective, Ryan and I can be tested to see what our options are for future kids.
• Pray that Grayson’s body gives him some peace. He’s been having a lot of seizure activity/clonus lately and has been waking up at night crying in pain. He is also sick right now- we are praying it doesn’t turn into anything more serious- G doesn’t get sick a lot, but when he does, it takes him forever to recover.
• Pray that Grayson continues to progress- he is doing some great things right now- getting a lot stronger and getting into the crawling position. He is also working with a new OT and is working hard at learning to eat by mouth.

Thank you so much for all you have done for us and for your prayers. We are so blessed to know each of you and to call you our family.

Love,
Elizabeth

It’s been a really long, hard day. Grayson was officially diagnosed with Mitochondrial Disease this morning. Although I am relieved and glad to finally have a diagnosis, there are a lot of emotions, fears, and sadness that I am processing. I’m not really ready to write about it in detail right now, and a glass of wine and hot bath are calling my name. But I wanted to leave you with a picture of our little miracle boy- this is how I found him in his crib the other day. Wow. I think he’s going to far exceed a lot of people’s expectations.

This week, there’s been a lot of controversy and discussion in the feeding tube world over the K-E Diet. The article claims that brides are using this diet to quickly lose up to 20 pounds in 10 days. This diet involves having an NG tube placed for 10 days, and the women are on continuous feeds for the duration.

Monday on the Today Show, Kathie Lee and Hoda did a segment on the diet, and basically made fun of it. You can find the clip here (it starts at 5:10).

There are many, many tubie moms who are outraged by the diet itself and KL and H’s coverage of it. They have posted pictures of their tube fed kids on the Today Show FB wall and written letters to NBC demanding an apology.

And I get it. I understand why they are upset. They look at brides using a device to lose weight that literally keeps our kids ALIVE as disrespectful and demeaning. And then two talk show hosts laugh about feeding tubes and people carrying around a bag of formula all day.

But me personally, I’m not that upset. I am a little annoyed at KL and H’s attitude about the bag- because yes, that’s what we do. Anytime we leave the house, Grayson’s backpack with his pump and bag of formula come with us. When we are at home, he’s attached to an IV pole. It’s really not that big of a deal- yes, it’s annoying, but we’re used to it.

And I understand that people have a negative reaction to seeing a tube threaded down a person’s nose into her stomach. I had to watch that procedure 4 or 5 times when Grayson had his NG, and it was horrific. He screamed bloody murder and there would always be a little bit of blood come up in the tube when they inserted it. He choked and gagged and screamed, and then once it was in, we had to tape it to his face. The one time my mom and I tried to put the tube in ourselves, instead of going into his stomach, it came out his mouth. Horrible.

Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so shocked that women are doing this. It’s just another crash diet. And let’s face it, when you are a bride, there’s an element of vanity there. I know I wanted to look my very best on my wedding day, just like every other bride. A LOT of brides do extreme diets or exercise programs to fit into their wedding dresses- no, it’s not healthy, but neither is eating grapefruit for 20 days straight or taking diet pills. And there’s liposuction, which to me is a lot more scary than having a feeding tube for a few weeks. And I’m not saying this diet is right or good, but I don’t think the women who are doing this are insulting our kids.

Do I think Kathie Lee and Hoda should apologize? Yes. I think the segment did nothing to educate the public about the true medical purpose of feeding tubes, what they look like, and how they work. And in general, people are clueless about tubes (and I am putting myself in that category prior to 6 months ago). Last Saturday, Grayson and I were in line to order at a restaurant and a woman very politely asked me if Grayson’s backpack/tube was a Camelbak. Of course inside I am hysterically laughing and thinking really? but I very politely “educated” her on feeding tubes. I heard another story the other day from a friend who was rudely told to take her daughter to the bathroom when she was tube feeding her in a restaurant. Turns out, the rude person thought she was being catheterized, but when my friend explained what she was actually doing, they had a nice conversation.

I certainly think there is a time to be outraged, especially when things in the media hurt our kids. But I also think a little compassion for ignorance can go a long way.

And just because I thought this was interesting, here’s another Today Show report on medical devices being used in unconventional ways. This one just makes me roll my eyes. I was waiting to see if there would be any controversy on it- so far, I haven’t heard any.

So there’s my two cents on this hot topic of the week- let the tomato throwing begin (but don’t be too mean to me please!)

We started off the day with a rough start- vision therapy at 8:00 and Grayson was having some sensory issues- he didn’t want to play with any of the toys his teacher brought, and all he wanted to do was swing. His teacher says G has a major need for motion, as his vestibular system’s needs aren’t being satisfied because of his body’s inability to move correctly for his age. We have found that G is happiest in motion. He is technically less than 5 pounds away from the weight limit on his swing- anyone know anyone at Fisher Price who wants to make me a super-sized infant swing? I can’t find any special needs swings that are close to it.

Later in the morning, he woke up screaming from his nap with another seizure “episode”- doing the leg thing again. Ugh. So far I haven’t seen any change since we upped his meds on Wednesday- his clonus is still bad, and he’s still so stiff.

I had a wonderful lunch today with two amazing moms on the Mito journey. One of them is a great friend who I’ve learned more from than any book, doctor or website. The other happens to be the founder of the school Grayson will be attending next year. I am even more excited for G now- and can’t wait to see the progress he will make there!

While I was at lunch, G hung out with his “Aunt” Sherry and her weenie dogs. She texted me this picture while I was gone- doesn’t he look so sweet and snuggly?

Last week, I got a call from the Mitochondrial Disease specialist that they had an opening in their schedule for this Friday and asked if we wanted to the appointment. Ummm…yes please! Our original appointment was scheduled for mid-July so this is great news. I’m excited about the appointment, but I’m also not expecting it to be a life-changing, earth-shattering appointment. We do not yet have genetic proof that Grayson has Mito, and the results of the test we are having run will not be in until late June. However, I am very interested to hear this doctor’s insights on Grayson.

That’s all I have for tonight- I feel just about as tired as my sweet little 5:30- bedtime boy right now.

This month, the PAIL theme post is What Kind of Parent Do You Want to Be?

Before I had Grayson, I certainly had a picture in my mind of what my life as a mom was going to look like. I had certain ideas and expectations of how my children were going to develop and behave. And just like any parent, when my child popped out, so many of those ideas morphed into the reality that is having a living, breathing being who develops and behaves independently of his parents’ expectations.

And now. Now I will share my Before Grayson (BG) ideas and compare them to the After Grayson (AG) reality.

BG: My children will watch little to no television.
AG: Grayson watches no TV. But not because I’m opposed to it. He can’t see more than a few feet in front of him, so he’s not interested in it at all.  Honestly, I would give my right kidney if I could plop G in front of the tube for an hour (or more, because I’m being honest) to give me a break.

BG: I will breastfeed for a year then feed him homemade, organic food.
AG: Ha! (I don’t think I need to write about this one for the ten-millionth time. The horse is dead. Dead, dead, dead).

BG: I will read books to my baby every chance I get and I will turn him into A+ making, AP classes taking, honors student
AG: We are still in the books are more fun to eat than read stage. And school? I care A LOT about what schools he will go to and the quality of his education, but grades? I’m not sure they are going to be too high on the priority list when it comes to Mr. G.

BG: I won’t email G’s teachers and complain about what’s happening at school. And I won’t raise the type of kid who never has a pencil in math class.
AG: I will do whatever I have to do and piss off whoever I have to piss off to protect my kid and give him the best. But I will always make sure he has a pencil in his backpack. (Math teachers have a hard enough time)

BG: We will have 2 biological kids, 2-3 years apart, and then adopt a little girl from China
AG: I really, really, really hope we can make Grayson a big brother someday, and I really, really, really want to be pregnant again (someday, not now). But now we have those pesky genetic DNA  mutations to worry about. Good times!

BG: (this is a hard confession, and if you judge me, I understand). I want smart, athletic kids. I want to be a baseball/softball mom who brags about her kids’ report cards.
AG: God has completely transformed my heart on this one. Now? I want my kids to be happy, and kind. And I want them to learn how to be a good friend. If they are smart- great. Athletic- great. But if not- great.  And also- I now love, love, love special needs kiddos (not just my own) and their mommas. What a special group of people we are privileged to be a part of.

I’m sure I could go on and on, and as the years go by, this list will grow. Right now I’m just doing the best I can with what I know, and trying not to make too many “My child will never….” statements. However, if I have a daughter someday, she will never be involved in anything that even remotely resembles Toddlers and Tiaras, k? Hold me to that one.

This picture (taken about 30 minutes before bedtime yesterday) pretty much sums up my mood and attitude about life the past few days…

Meh.Bleh.Ugh. And from my last few posts, I’m sure it’s obvious I haven’t really been in the best place lately. I’ve just been in a funk about Grayson’s stuff, and have had quite a few life isn’t fair and I’m pissed off about it moments.

Plus, I haven’t felt great and I strained my back, which wasn’t helping my attitude AT ALL.

Today, I’m feeling better, and feel the dark cloud lifting. I know feeling temporarily depressed just goes with the territory and is going to happen sometimes. And of course I have tons to be thankful for, along with some extra special blessings that have come our way the past few days…

For several weeks, we have been considering a school for Grayson for next year. The school is for students with severe developmental delays and medical issues. We actually visited the school on that crazy day we went to the toy library and Grayson was melting down the entire time. Apparently, his “interview” didn’t faze them, because they want him to enroll- ha! After emailing with the director of the school several times, I finally talked to her boss yesterday and found out Grayson will get a scholarship! He will go 3 days/week starting in August, which I believe will be great for BOTH of us!The school has a curriculum,  a 1:2 teacher-student ration, and we will have access to private PT, OT, Speech, Music and Pet therapy. Definitely an answer to prayer.

We saw G’s neurologist today and got an explanation and a plan for dealing with his recent seizures. I can’t say enough good things about Dr. R. He held and played with Grayson for several minutes at the appointment (and he has glasses, so G was ALL ABOUT IT). After listening to my version of what’s been going on the past few days, Dr. R concluded that G is having seizures in his sleep and because the left side is weaker (as shown in a past EEG) it’s causing temporary partial paralysis of his left leg- that’s why it’s always the left side that he won’t put weight on. The clonus (feet shaking) is related. The solution for now: up his current medication and see if that makes a difference.

We have received several amazing gifts in the past few weeks from wonderful friends. Grayson loves his new stander we got from one of our Mito family friends! Our PT came today and adjusted it for us.

Thanks for bearing with me through my funk- hopefully I’m at the tail end of it and have positive days ahead!

Easter weekend was beautiful, with picture perfect weather. We ate out with family and friends three times, and were able to sit outside each time.

Grayson got a haircut…

And looked oh-so-adorable for church in his springtime jon-jons

The truth is, we had some really lovely moments this weekend, but overall it was hard. The reality is doing holidays with a special needs kid is difficult. So much of celebrating a holiday revolves around food, treats, and activities for kids. Grayson doesn’t eat, and can’t participate in things like hunting for eggs. I did an Easter basket for him, but openly admit I did it mostly for me, and for the photo-op. However, G is enjoying his light up wand the Easter Bunny got him…

Grayson has been having a lot of seizure activity the last 4 days. He gets very, very agitated, especially when waking (or like last night, in his sleep) and his little feet and toes shake and vibrate like crazy. His head and arms jerk. Sometimes, it is very obvious that he is in pain. If I didn’t know what it was, it would be very scary. I actually called the on-call neurologist Saturday morning after Grayson was inconsolable after his nap and having the same symptoms. The doctor told us to increase the dosage of his medication at night and make an appointment with our neurologist. So, we are going on Wednesday afternoon, and ending our no-doctor-appointment month. Oh well.

So many people have commented lately how good G looks, and how big he is now. And it’s true- he looks really good. And he’s heavy! But he is also so stiff, irritates easily, and is having these “episodes”. Something just isn’t right.

Hopefully our appointment on Wednesday will give us some answers!

There is so much going on in our lives right now, but in the past week, I just haven’t felt compelled to write. Usually writing is such an outlet for me, but right now, there are some things I’m just not ready to write about. I’ve been processing information in my head and still am not sure how I feel about a lot of it.

I haven’t been writing, but I’ve been reading- a lot. Heartbreaking stories of what other moms and kids are going through. Stories of chronically ill children- some born with their diseases, some that weren’t. This isn’t how childhood is “supposed” to be- kids aren’t meant to struggle with brain injuries, gastrointestinal problems, social and learning disabilities, and go through countless therapies and doctors appointments…but so many do. It’s heartbreaking, this world of special needs kids.

We had our MDCP evaluation Monday, and it’s looking like the chances are very, very good that Grayson will be accepted. Of course, we are thrilled, but I’ve been buried in paperwork since Monday, trying to get the ducks in a row so we can move forward. 

Grayson is doing ok- this hasn’t been the best of weeks and it hasn’t been the worst. He’s had a few episodes where he’s woken up from his nap screaming in pain and he won’t put any weight on his left leg- I’m really not sure what’s going on there. We also had his hearing checked again yesterday. The audiologist feels that his low-frequency hearing loss probably isn’t what is causing his speech delay. He’s still not saying any words, which I guess we can blame on his brain, since we can’t blame his ears.

Developmentally, I feel Grayson is stuck. Even with therapy, work we do on our own, and the supplements, I don’t think he’s any closer to sitting up on his own than he was months ago. He can scoot on his tummy, but 9 times out of 10, he won’t. He’s very quickly outgrowing his excersaucer, which is the only thing that entertains him without me right there for more than 5 minutes. April is our month with no doctors appointments, but honestly, I am counting the days until we see our geneticist and the Mito specialist (both next month). I need explanations, answers, and a plan.