Dear Nolan,

Hello there, crazy toddler! You are walking (almost running) everywhere now, and life is now crazier, busier, but also so much more fun. You can actually play at the park now, and your favorite thing to do is scale the play structure as fast as you can, while scaring me to death. 

You still aren’t taking, except for yelling “Dadadadadada!” at the top of your lungs. I’m not in a huge hurry for you to start talking, because you express yourself quite well in other ways. You aren’t as emotional or dramatic as your sister, but you do have a temper, and you are LOUD. 

We’ve been spending a lot of time with each other since Charlotte started pre-school, and I am loving having you one-on-one. You are super cuddly, and I am loving watching you grow and change without so many interruptions. 

Nolan, at 13 months you:

• Weigh 21 pounds, 11 ounces
• Wear size 12-18 month clothes, size 5 shoes and size 4 diapers
• Still only have 2 teeth
• Are a good eater- love blueberries, chicken, yogurt, and waffles
• Take one nap a day that lasts 2-3 hours (and I usually have to wake you up to go pick up Charlotte)
• Still wake up once during the night, but settle back to sleep quickly with a bottle
• Adore your family
• Still aren’t showing any separation anxiety, and love the church nursery

I love you so much little buddy- Happy 13 months!

Love,

Mommy

Three. The year that is lasting forever. The year that is making me laugh and cry, but mostly cry.
Having a three  year old means I go from moments like this…

To this…

In a matter of minutes.

It means a tiny tornado (er, Charnado) of emotions, demands, and messes.

It means never being sure what personality is going to come down the stairs in the morning and wondering how many battles I’m prepared to fight before breakfast.

It means letting her wear a pink party dress to Chick Fil A because that is definitely one battle I’m not fighting. 

It means a major meltdown because I won’t let her walk the 20 miles to church.

It means questioning everything from why I wanted kids in the first place to am I really sure I’m not living with a sociopath in pigtails? 

It means being so angry and frustrated one second to laughing (and totally thrown for a loop) the next. 

It means going for ice cream just because even though neither of us really deserve it, but somehow ice cream helps with forgiveness. 

It means getting tough questions (Mommy, why are there bad guys? Why are those people not kind?) and having to be ok with not having a perfect answers.

It means letting her be a sister to her brothers, and figuring out on her own what that looks like. (It’s complicated).

It means watching her learn and try to understand the concept of God, and prayer.

It means both loathing and loving her sassy attitude.

It means riding out these incredibly exhausting, discouraging days because I have so much hope that better days are ahead.

I love when my past blog posts pop up on my TimeHop app, so I really am going to try to be better and updating my blog on the everyday stuff of life that I will surely forget if I don’t write it down.

School Updates:

• Grayson has 2 weeks of Kindergarten under his belt! When asked how it’s going, I can honestly say on our end, mostly very, very good. I love his teacher, and I can tell G does too. I’ve talked to her almost every day and it’s obvious she loves him and is concerned with him getting the very best care. She texts me pictures and writes me notes about sweet things he does. However, I really think she and the paraprofessionals in his classroom are struggling with his medical needs. Most of the calls I get are concerns with how he is feeling, his frequent retching and vomiting, and his fatigue. He was sent home “sick” from school last Monday; he wasn’t sick, he was just really tired. And then Friday, there was an incident on the bus where he started retching and the bus driver thought he was having a seizure (he wasn’t). I had an honest conversation with his teacher after that and we discussed G possibly moving to another school with the classroom for kids who are medically fragile, which, when we moved, is where we assumed G would be. I don’t know if he will be moved or not, but I told her we would be ok if that’s where they think he should be. So we’ll see.

• The BUS! I LOVE THE BUS! G started riding this week and it just makes our mornings and afternoons so much less stressful. We have all loved going outside in the mornings to wait (the weather has been great). Charlotte and Nolan love watching their brother ride the lift and be wheeled in, and we wave as he rides away.

• Charlotte starts school this Wednesday. HALLELUJAH. This girl needs school to start in the worst way, or maybe that’s me. She will be going three days this year (MWF) and we are so excited about her new school. We had Meet the Teacher on Friday and she loved meeting her sweet teachers and playing in her classroom.

• These two cutie cousins share a birthday, and we celebrated the big THREE (Theo) and ONE (Nolan) last weekend at the ranch. Theo is into all things construction and wanted a “Wrecking Ball Cake” so the three year olds, Grammie, and Aunt Rebecca made it happen.

• Charnado has a pretty bad shiner right now due to her falling off the bed at the ranch. Never a dull moment with this girl!

• Nolan’s favorite pastime, next to playing in the toilet, is playing in the refrigerator. And dumping anything in his reach on top of him (this is G’s formula).

• We are so thrilled that for the first time we have neighbors who have become friends! Charlotte and their little boy are the same age and play really well together. We’ve played at home and at the park, and had them over for dinner last night. It was crazy, loud and messy, but so much fun.

• Grayson’s patio he is getting through Make A Wish is currently being re-built for the third time. The first two attempts were with flagstone, and it just wasn’t done correctly and didn’t look good nor was it safe for a wheelchair or little feet playing outside. There is a new company taking over the project that is pouring concrete instead, which was our original “wish”. Although this has been a really frustrating ordeal, we are so grateful to Make A Wish for working with our family to give G the best outdoor space possible.

• I am loving writing for Houston Moms Blog, and keep forgetting to link my posts here. Over the past few months I’ve written about raising white kids who take a stand against racial discrimination, my love of podcasts, our potty training struggles with Charlotte, and my thoughts on being done with the infant feeding chapter of my life.
• Every Sunday the kids all look so cute in their church clothes and sometimes I try and get a picture. It never quite matches my vision, but eh, it’s real life.

Happy Birthday big boy! I sit here writing you this letter as you sit in your highchair, inhaling blueberries (you LOVE blueberries) and I think about a year ago at about this time, early in the morning. I was anxious, uncomfortable, and so, so ready to meet you. Thankfully, later that evening, I did. And then began a year of craziness. To be honest, your first year has been stressful yet wonderful, painful yet life-changing. The transition to 3 children was incredibly hard, but at the end of your first year, I am so thankful for you and your role in our family. 

It seems as though overnight, you have morphed from a baby to a toddler. You are so close to walking (can take 3-4 steps at a time), are scaling slides and other playground equipment like a champ, throwing food off your tray, and are getting into all kinds of mischief involving toilets and toilet paper (insert many eye rolls here). You aren’t saying much as far as actual words, but you are LOUD and have big emotions. You and Charlotte are constantly chasing each other and wrestling and you can hold your own with her, no question. 

Nolan, at 1 year you:

• Weigh 20 pounds, 13 ounces
• Wear size 12 month and 12-18 month clothing and size 3 diapers
• Have 2 teeth!
• Are drinking both formula and whole milk in your bottles and we are working towards ditching the formula completely
• Are a really good eater. You love all kinds of fruit, carrots, peanut butter anything, and of course, Goldfish.
• Think the worst kind of torture imaginable is getting your diaper changed or getting dressed. 
• Are sleeping well at night for the most part, but no matter what time we put you to bed (normally it’s around 6:00) have been refusing to sleep past 5:00 am the past few mornings.
• Have had 3 haircuts
• Are so healthy, and I am so, so thankful for this. You made it through year 1 with zero illnesses- no fevers, ear infections, nothing.

Happy Birthday to YOU, sweet boy. It’s going to be a great second year! I love you!

Love,

Mommy

Well, here we are. Monday morning I will drop off Grayson at his classroom in his new school, and he will officially be a Kindergartner. I’ll leave him for more than seven hours in a brand new place with brand new people taking care of him. I’m a little nervous for him, but mostly I’m incredibly excited.

There is no sadness at all in G reaching this milestone, because he reached it. When he was diagnosed almost four years ago I never believed that he would eventually go to kindergarten. Any tears I’ve shed are a result of my pride and gratitude that I have an almost six year old, who despite living with a horrible disease, gets to have a life and have access to a great education.

We had his ARD yesterday morning. G sat and listened to his Veggie Tales while I signed form after form. His goals are appropriate, and the school is going to ask for a lot of evaluations and services (music therapy? Yes please!). His vision teacher from when he was a baby attended the ARD and I got choked up when I saw her, because she first met G when he was 4 months old. How far he’s come.

After the ARD we made our way to G’s classroom where the teacher, paraprofessionals and nurse all learned how to care for him. I showed them how to get him in and out of the wheelchair, change his diaper, give his medicine, and use his feeding pump.  I think they are a little overwhelmed, but they were all so sweet and thorough, I know it’s going to be just fine.

His teacher is so sweet and enthusiastic, and is experienced in teaching Life Skills (G’s placement). It takes a special kind of commitment and empathy to care for children like G, and I can tell she has it. I can’t wait for us to get to know her.

G will ride the bus to and from school, but I’ll be taking him the first few days. Bus service is definitely at the top of my list of things I am most excited about! They will pick him up at our house and drop him back off in the afternoon. And my life just got significantly less complicated.

I do feel a little residual sadness that G isn’t going back to the Caroline School this year. That school will forever hold special memories in my heart because of how well they loved and cared for G for four years. I do, however, feel like we made the absolute right decision in moving him so much closer to home and have nothing but optimism and excitement about his new school adventure.

Kindergarten, let’s do this. He’s going to rock it.

This was at Meet the Teacher Thursday night. G looks a little puny because he’d been in the ER all day getting fluids to get over a tummy bug. He will be much more enthusiastic on Monday. 

Dear Nolan,
One month until you are one! I think back to a year ago, when we didn’t know you were you (or even a he), and how hot and miserable I was. I’m so glad that this hot August I’ll be snuggling you on the outside! You’ve had a big month developmentally. You are cruising everywhere and are starting to walk by pushing things around- won’t be long now! I can’t wait; the more you are able to do, the more fun you get.

We aren’t doing much these days other than hanging out at home- it’s too hot to do much outdoors. You never get tired of crawling everywhere and getting into everything though!

Nolan, at 11 months you:

• Weigh exactly 20 pounds
• Wear size 12 month clothing and size 3 diapers
• Have a tooth! Just like your sister, your first one poked through halfway through your 10th month, and you are working on another right now
• Eat anything we put in front of you, and a lot of it. We’ve finally started working on drinking from a cup and are about to start giving you whole milk
• Are babbling a ton but not saying any actual words yet
• Absolutely despise having your diaper or clothes changed
• Love baths
• Are waking up 1-2 times at night

Love you buddy- happy 11 months!

Love,

Mommy

I may lose some followers over this post, and I’m just going to have to be ok with that. But for six years, I’ve processed my life on this blog, and I have to process this. I’m not going to apologize if this offends you, but I’m happy to have an honest, respectful dialogue about it.

WHY are any of you voting for Donald Trump?

Oh, you hate Hillary? Why? Because she’s lied? Guess what- I’ve lied, and so have you. But you know what I’ve never done? Publicly and openly mocked a disabled person. Yeah, this one’s personal. My throat gets tight and tears well in my eyes every time I see that clip of Trump making fun of that reporter. To me, he’s making fun of Grayson. The person that may be the Commander in Chief of my country would stoop so low to mock my son, and not even have the decency to apologize for it.

You know what else is personal, to me and the majority of you reading this post? His misogyny. Right now, if you are planning to vote for Trump, please read this. Now. It will make you sick to your stomach, but read it to the very end. As a woman, and especially as the mother of a daughter, this is horrifying.

He’s a racist. Protecting our borders and fighting terrorism are good things, but calling groups of immigrants, illegal or not, violent criminals and rapists is just unconscionable. Calling for a ban of an entire religious group because of the actions of an extreme few is wrong. And unconstitutional. He can’t do that (along with a whole list of other things he has planned; he obviously has no idea how government even works- and a bunch of national security leaders don’t think so either.)

I’ve heard some of you say you like him because he’s not a career politician. This one makes absolutely no sense to me. You wouldn’t hire someone with no experience in education to be the superintendent of your school district, nor would you hire someone with no business experience to be the CEO of your company. I just don’t understand why (regardless of anything else) Trump’s total lack of political experience is anything but a hindrance to his campaign.

Trump’s speech at the RNC a few weeks ago made it sound like we should all be hiding in our homes because the crime in this country is so bad. It’s not. I’m not afraid to leave my house and live my life, and Trump’s scare tactics aren’t going to change that. What does scare me is a narcissist running for president who says ” I alone can fix it” about anything. Last I checked, we aren’t electing a dictator.

Back to Hillary. You hate her. Again, why? Specifically, why? You call her a criminal- she’s never been convicted of anything. The email thing- got it. I can say with absolute certainty she won’t do that again. But I can’t say that about Trump- who is almost laughably unable to learn from his mistakes (and won’t ever ask for forgiveness anyway). Policy aside, she’s more than qualified for the job. She knows how our government works, and how to interact with foreign leaders. She has actual policies and plans to get them accomplished, that don’t involve building walls and forcing our military to commit war crimes.

Christian friends- you say you can’t vote for Hillary because of her stance on abortion and gay marriage. Well, aside from the fact that you could never convince me that Trump is pro-life, whether or not abortion is legal or not, it’s going to exist. Instead of spending so much time and energy trying to make it illegal, why don’t we show love and empathy to women who are faced with that choice? If a woman feels helpless and alone and thinks abortion is her only option, she’s going to have an abortion, whether it’s legal or not. And regardless whether or not you think homosexuality is a sin, we are not a Christian nation and gay marriage is a civil rights issue, not a religious one.

I don’t love Hillary (but can we all just take a minute and acknowledge the historical significance of her nomination), and don’t agree with her on everything. I’m also not in the camp of thinking I have to pick between the “lesser of two evils”, because to me, there’s just no comparison of which campaign spews evil and has left me with genuine fear for the future. #imwithher.

What a long, strange summer. On a personal level, we are chugging along, but I find myself losing patience with the kids with no real structured schedule or weekly plans. The past few weeks have been hot and boring, with naps being hit or miss, and only a handful of hours a week that it’s logistically possible to hang out at the pool. I’m looking forward to August and September, with new schools for both Grayson and Charlotte and a new job for Ryan.

I’ve been obsessed with the news and politics lately, more so than ever before. I’m reading a ton, listening to podcasts on the election, and have been watching the RNC every night this week, which is more TV than I’ve watched in months. I’m torn between staying quiet and participating in the online conversations about this election. On one hand, no one ever changed anyone’s mind by posting a political article on Facebook, but I admire so many (both people I know personally and those I don’t) I see taking bold stands against injustice and the bigotry that is happening all around us. I am saddened and horrified that most would assume that calling myself a Christian means that I’m also a Republican, and that I will be voting for a candidate that makes fun of disabled people, berates women, and stereotypes and wants to ban whole groups of people from this country. Nope, not going to happen.

We are still struggling with potty training Charlotte. I am so worn out and frustrated and when I think about having to do this with another child in a few years it makes me want to cry. I know she’ll eventually get it and we will move on with life, but in the meantime this whole thing is making me so discouraged. It’s revealing parts of me and my expectations for her that I’m really not proud of, and I have been challenged to give more patience and grace than feels comfortable.

Nolan is a sweet, chunky ball of baby, and it makes my heart beat a little faster when I think that we are less than two months from his first birthday. My last baby. To be honest though, I’m kind of over the baby stage. I’m tired, and I’m tired of fishing crayons out of his mouth. He sure is cute though, and I’m excited to have a rough-and-tumble little boy (as opposed to the rough-and-tumble baby boy he already is).

Then there’s Grayson. My pure-hearted, loving little guy. Many times I hold him and am just in awe of how lucky I am to be able to live in the same house and share my life with that boy. He started PT back up today with a new therapist that will come to our house, and he did great! Our nursing situation still hasn’t resolved- currently we have one nurse who comes 1-2 nights a week. We are trying to find someone who wants 5 nights a week and/or possible a nurse to go to school with Grayson. I wish I had more of a concrete idea of how school is going to work for him; right now we aren’t even positive what school he’s going to attend.

I’m realizing that every season comes with it’s positives as well as it’s challenges. I’m so thankful I’ve had this summer to drastically slow down the pace of my life (I hardly drive anywhere these days!) but I also long for the predictability of weekly events and a fuller calendar. I hope all of you are having a great summer…

Grayson for President!

Let’s talk about your sweetness. One of my favorite times of day is when we read books and I sing a few songs to you before bed. You always ask a million questions about whatever story we are reading and request “How I Love You” (“You Are My Sunshine”) and “Grace” (“Amazing Grace”). Then you ask for extra hugs and kisses and say “I love you Mommy- goodnight!” as I close your door.

You love your brothers. Although you have really struggled this year with your relationship with Grayson, you are coming around. You often ask where he is and request that I bring him upstairs to the playroom with you and Nolan. And Nolan. You are so, so sweet to him. You love being the first one in his room in the morning when he wakes up and ask several times a day to “hold my baby”. You two wrestle and giggle constantly, and already have the sweetest bond.

You sure are sweet, but are also maddeningly independent. It seems these days that with anything (anything!) I suggest, you have a better idea. You want to do most things by yourself, which is sometimes frustrating for me, but I know it’s part of your normal development. One thing you don’t do independently very well is play by yourself. You are a social butterfly and want Mommy to “play with me” all day long. You ask me every day who is coming over to play or where we are going. You want to know everyone’s names, whether that be the kids in the neighborhood pool or the people on billboards on the freeway.

Girlfriend, you are fierce. We are still working on channeling your strong will and balancing it with kindness, sharing, and taking turns. I know you will get there, and I really do love that you have your own ideas and opinions and aren’t afraid to stand up for yourself and speak your mind.

Charlotte, at 3 1/2 you:

• Weigh 32 pounds
• Wear size 3T and 4T clothes, and size 8 shoes
• Love coloring, playing with My Little Pony, and anything that involves pretend
• Still refer to yourself as Shirley Temple
• Love to watch Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First, Puffin Rock and Daniel Tiger
• Are still struggling with potty training. I’m not writing this to shame or embarrass you, but just as a record of where we are right now 
• Refer to anything that happened in the past as happening “yesterday”
• Are starting to notice and care about your appearance. You love to be in the bathroom while I’m putting on my makeup and put on a bit of powder and blush.
• Are still attached to Milton, and I’m starting to call him The Velveteen Milton because he is obviously well-loved, and has needed his first “surgery” to repair his worn nose.
• Have started having some fears lately, especially having to do with the dark and things in your bedroom.
• Love to snack and constantly asking for “something crunchy”.

Charlotte, there are times where you stretch and frustrate me to my absolute limit. I close your door at night and deeply exhale from emotional and physical exhaustion. But by the morning, I am always (well, after 6 am) to see your sweet little bed-head self appear at the top of the stairs. You are always in a good mood in the morning just make me smile. I love you more than I could ever describe and am in awe of what an intense, amazing, gorgeous little girl you are becoming.

Happy Half Birthday, Boo.

Love,
Mommy