This is my 400th post. It’s kind of incredible to me that I’ve had enough words to publish 400 posts, an even more amazing that people actually care enough to read what I have to say.
I feel like I should say something significant on this post, but what?
Maybe I should talk about Grayson, and how this little boy continues to both steal and break my heart every single day. How his laughter and smiles are so very rare anymore, but how that makes them even more precious. Or how I question God about the purpose of Grayson’s life; how could a loving God allow such a precious little person to both suffer so much and yet have no control over anything in his life. What is God’s purpose for Grayson- for him personally, not the impact he has on others? Because yes, I truly believe he has had a huge impact on many people in his short life, but what about him– what’s in it for Grayson?
Maybe I should talk about Charlotte, and again write about the light and the joy she is in my life. I look at her sometimes and can’t believe she’s here. I could talk about how she’s completely smitten with her brother but doesn’t know how to appropriately display her affections for him without causing him physical harm. How these interactions have given me just a tiny glimpse of how hard disciplining a child, especially a strong-willed one, is going to be.
Maybe I should talk about family, and how complicated so many relationships are. Or maybe I shouldn’t.
Maybe I should talk about friends, and how mine are the kindest, most generous, funniest, and most honest that they come and I feel sometimes I don’t give back a fraction of the kindness they show me. But I certainly hope some day I can repay that.
Maybe I should talk about me, and how I feel like every part of myself aside from being a mother has faded away. How I don’t feel creative anymore, or attractive, or confident in anything but caring for my children. And how my label of special needs mom has encompassed my whole being, and how I both fear it and cling to it. Or should I write about how doing typical activities with my typical daughter feel foreign and awkward, but also easy and wonderful. And how I wrestle with guilt when I sometimes leave Grayson behind so it things are easy and wonderful.
Maybe I should just end my 400th post now, because perhaps I shouldn’t hash out every thought spinning through my head tonight. I do, after all, need some material for post 401.