This is my 400th post. It’s kind of incredible to me that I’ve had enough words to publish 400 posts, an even more amazing that people actually care enough to read what I have to say.

I feel like I should say something significant on this post, but what?

Maybe I should talk about Grayson, and how this little boy continues to both steal and break my heart every single day. How his laughter and smiles are so very rare anymore, but how that makes them even more precious. Or how I question God about the purpose of Grayson’s life; how could a loving God allow such a precious little person to both suffer so much and yet have no control over anything in his life. What is God’s purpose for Grayson- for him personally, not the impact he has on others? Because yes, I truly believe he has had a huge impact on many people in his short life, but what about him– what’s in it for Grayson?

Maybe I should talk about Charlotte, and again write about the light and the joy she is in my life. I look at her sometimes and can’t believe she’s here. I could talk about how she’s completely smitten with her brother but doesn’t know how to appropriately display her affections for him without causing him physical harm. How these interactions have given me just a tiny glimpse of how hard disciplining a child, especially a strong-willed one, is going to be.

Maybe I should talk about family, and how complicated so many relationships are. Or maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe I should talk about friends, and how mine are the kindest, most generous, funniest, and most honest that they come and I feel sometimes I don’t give back a fraction of the kindness they show me. But I certainly hope some day I can repay that.

Maybe I should talk about me, and how I feel like every part of myself aside from being a mother has faded away. How I don’t feel creative anymore, or attractive, or confident in anything but caring for my children. And how my label of special needs mom has encompassed my whole being, and how I both fear it and cling to it. Or should I write about how doing typical activities with my typical daughter feel foreign and awkward, but also easy and wonderful. And how I wrestle with guilt when I sometimes leave Grayson behind so it things are easy and wonderful.

Maybe I should just end my 400th post now, because perhaps I shouldn’t hash out every thought spinning through my head tonight. I do, after all, need some material for post 401.


5 thoughts on “400

  1. I really love this post. It so perfectly shows how messy and tangled it all is, and how hard it can be to get it down. How impossible it can be to make enough sense of it to portray it in any kind of way at all. And yet we keep writing, because what else are we going to do.

    Congrats on 400 posts. That is an amazing achievement. One you should be proud of. I, for one, look forward to 400 more.

  2. This post is honest and loving and shows how messy and hard life can be for some. You are a strong person and loving mother. God gave you Grayson and Grayson you because he knew just how strong you were. We are given special children because we are special, so are you!

    Congrats on 400! Look forward to many many more posts.

  3. I love this post. Then again, I love most of what you write. You may feel the creative side of you has disappeared, but it hasn't! Your posts show it, even if it looks different hat it used to. Motherhood (in general) changes so much about who we are. Or, perhaps, it's more that it often changes what who we are looks like, not necessarily who we are at our core. Looking forward to many more posts.

  4. This feels exactly like my life right now. I struggle with the loss of my former life and where I fit in now. My career is on hold (maybe forever), time with my husband is minimal, attempting to spend time with everyone is impossible, and I'm exhausted. I constantly question whether or not my discipline techniques are sufficient and if my parenting is making these two little humans good people. Most of the time I feel really guilty for not loving it all more. But we do our best, day to day.

  5. Very good and insightful post. I feel like so many times I feel exactly how you do, but you just know how to put it into words. Thanks. Continued prayers for Grayson, and that you will see God's plan and purpose for HIM.

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