Our holiday weekend was…not bad, but definitely not one of my favorites. As much as I try not to be envious of those who are able to be “normal” on holidays, I am. Grayson simply cannot (and doesn’t want to) do much at all. Having two children who can do nothing for themselves makes anything out of our typical schedule just exhausting.
The morning of the 4th, we took a long walk in the neighborhood in our new double jogging stroller. I saved all the gift cards and cash we got as gifts when Charlotte was born and finally parted with them to make the purchase. Although it was really expensive, I’m so glad we bought it. The babies are really content in it, and on our first walk, fell sound asleep within minutes.
We spent the evening of the 4th with family at my SIL’s house. It was fun, and Charlotte had a line of cousins and aunties passing her around (and giving me a nice break!) but Grayson wasn’t with us and that made me sad. We left him home with his nurse- he was definitely happier being there and being able to go to bed at his normal time, but really, it just sucks and makes me angry that my almost 3 year old can’t eat a hotdog and shriek with delight with his cousins at firecrackers going off in the street.
Friday morning, we drove to the ranch. Ryan and I are storing all our
crap household items and furniture in my parents’ garage, but we wanted to go through boxes and get rid of as much as we could. We spent several hours going through boxes, and filled the bed of my dad’s truck with Goodwill donations, and had bag after bag of trash. It feels good to know we own a little less- STUFF has been a cause of a lot of my anxiety lately. We just have too much, and I am ready to simplify.
Speaking of anxiety- I have it. And I think a touch of depression too. I wake up every morning both totally exhausted and panicky about all I have to do in the day. Charlotte is still waking about 3 times during the night, and it’s wearing on me. I just don’t know how people do it when their kids don’t sleep through the night month after month (oh, please don’t let that be me!). I’m also anxious about Charlotte’s weight. She has consistently fallen in the weight percentiles and is currently in the 3% for babies her age. She still loves to nurse, but obviously is not getting enough from me (she only gained 2 oz in the past month actually weighs less than Grayson did at her age- cue panic when I looked back and discovered that!). I know that the stress of my life has most likely affected my supply, so I’ve started supplementing with formula, and the pediatrician wants me to fortify it, just like we did with Grayson. She’s getting better, but still won’t take much-usually only about 2 oz at a time. As much as a would have loved to continue to EBF her, I have to do what’s going to make her grow and gain weight. And honestly, I’m ok with it. Nothing in my parenting journey has gone exactly according to plan, so I’m just rolling with it. I’m just so thankful that she still wants to nurse, and so grateful I’ve been able to have and continue to have that experience.
Grayson continues to struggle, and I’m frustrated and angry at his stupid disease. And I’m at the point where I’m envious of other special needs families, which I know is ridiculous. But I see other kids with disabilities who are able to do SO much- walk, talk, and participate in sports and activities. Grayson can’t do any of that. It’s so frustrating.
We do love that little guy to pieces though, despite his limitations. His daddy even played “catch” with him the other day- so sweet.
And despite Charlotte’s less-than-stellar weight gain, she sure loves bananas, which we introduced this weekend. This video cracks me up- she was MAD when I took her bananas away- ha!
So I continue to plug along, trying to capture and cherish the sweet moments in life with my sweet little family. And I’m praying that someday, things will get a little easier.
8 thoughts on “Anxiety”
Oh Elizabeth, I'm so sorry it's so hard. I can't imagine what you go through every day, every minute. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself. Remember that there are SSRI's that help manage both anxiety and depression that barely get into breastmilk and are very safe to take while breastfeeding. Zo.loft is one that comes to mind (because I took it myself during my first pregnancy/postpartum experience). I'm not saying it's an answer, just a reminder that it's there is you ever feel you need it. Abiding with you.
Thanks, E. I actually have an appointment next week scheduled with my doctor to discuss this. I think I'm at that point.
Precious pic of them asleep in the stroller! So sorry for the anxiety and stress, I'm proud of you for calling the doctor and making an appointment.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. It is frustrating and it is hard. I'm glad you're getting help if that's what you feel you need.
I'm so sorry you are struggling. We all have so much in common, but at the same time there are so many differences and we all experience these different stages in our own time and for our own reasons. I was a psych major and took positive psych one of my last semesters and it was super interesting. Many of the exercises have roughly the same success/better rate as most SSRIs (not saying that you shouldn't go the med route if you need to, just that this can be helpful, too). An easy one is the 3 Blessings exercise. Every night before bed, take a few minutes to write down three things that went well that day and why. Do it for 6 weeks and see if you notice any positive effects. Keep hanging in!!
Making that phone call to the doc is the hardest part, in my opinion. I'm proud of you! I know calling my doc so many years ago took weeks of building up the courage.You're a terrific mother. Every time you post something – anything – I'm amazed by you!
It takes strength to admit that you need support. It takes courage to ask for that. I am frequently in awe of your strength, courage, and love. I know you are doing what you have to do to take care of your babies. But you do it with a grace that is all you, mama. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
Elizabeth, I continue to lift you and your family up. Thanks for being honest with your feelings, and I think this is a good outlet for you. Thankful to find you, blogger friend. Many prayers and hopes for you and your family! 🙂