It’s getting harder. The comparing thing. I mean, not doing it.

Grayson is doing well. He’s a hard worker, but he also likes to cuddle with his momma (well, really anyone who will let him rest his head on their shoulder). He’s making progress, but it’s slow. His rate of progress isn’t as fast as the other babies, and he was already so behind. The gap is getting wider.

We’ve gotten to the point where Grayson has friends who are months younger than him that are doing things he can’t do yet. His friends his age are racing around the house crawling, getting into everything (ok, so that part I’m not jealous of). They are waving goodbye, saying “MaMa”. They are on the cusp of walking. Will Grayson be walking even by his second birthday? We don’t know.

There are so many things that Grayson rocks at. Hugs, oh, those sweet hugs. Pick him up and he wraps his little arms tight around your neck and squeezes tight. And his kisses- so wet and drooly, but sincere. And he’s smart. Put his fish and his cup in front of him and ask him to choose one of them- he picks the right one every time.

But I’m sad for him. I’m sad that his 10 month body can’t do what his 10 month brain wants to do. He’s not on the move, exploring every nook and cranny of his world. I’m sad that he can’t splash in the bathtub and play with toys because he can’t sit up yet and is still stuck in the infant tub. I’m sad that when we go places, I’m not sure how much he can see- does he notice things that would fill other babies with wonder?

He’s smothered in love, though, and he’s happy. I know he is. His face lights up when he hears his name, his little body twitches with excitement when he hears his favorite songs, and he relaxes contentedly in my arms right before bedtime.

My counselor says part of my sadness is mourning the loss of the child I was expecting. That’s a tough pill to swallow since the baby that grew inside me all those months is here. But she’s right- Grayson’s life is not what I had imagined it would be, especially since I had a completely normal pregnancy and had no warning of this journey. I feel guilty morning this other, imaginary child when I have Grayson- who is the joy of my life and I love him, accept him, and adore everything about him- just the way he is. But I guess anytime life takes a turn you aren’t expecting, even if it’s a very good one, there is some sadness and letting go of a dream.

I re-read this post I wrote months ago and was reminded that life in Holland is different than that in Italy, but still amazing. And especially amazing because I’m in Holland with my G-Man (who, as my SIL pointed out, would look awesome in wooden shoes!).

It just hit me today that Grayson’s birthday is next month. What? How in the world can I have an almost 1 year old? Of course, turning one is a huge milestone and needs to be celebrated, which means…birthday party time!

If I’m being honest, thinking about planning his birthday party is really stressing me out. I have been pouring over pinterest and etsy, marveling at people’s creativity and adorable ideas. There are so many things I would love to do- the little details that make a party spectacular- but time and money right now are a huge factor.

Time- I just don’t have much of it these days. We have 2-3 therapy sessions a week, I am working 2 days a week and a lot of times both weekend days. When we do have “free time” I like to spend it with friends. Yes, I have most evenings, but the last thing I want to do after putting G to bed is go shopping. And yes, I’m crafty, and I could make most of what I would want to do, but I’m tired. And most nights I just want to blog, read, or sleep instead of making a huge crafty mess (which I always make).

Money- Again, I just don’t have much of it these days. And every little detatil of this fabulous party in my head costs money.

So I think I’m going to try to keep this party sweet and simple. I’ve already designed the invitation, ordered his outfit (I hope it’s not too big!) and have plans to make a tushy-print cupcake plate. Other than that, I’m just going to chill out about it. Because this party should not be about me feeding my ego by having the cutest decorations or most fabulous cake. It’s about celebrating this little miracle (and the fact that we’ve survived the first year, bumps and all!)

Nothing better than this bed-headed baby first thing in the morning!

No real news or interesting topic to blog on, so I just wrote down what came to my mind tonight….

I am increasingly bored and annoyed with television. Maybe it’s the noise- I am in love with the silent moments of my day. I rarely turn the TV on during the day and if Ryan isn’t home, it’s off at night. Now yes, it’s summer and one might argue that there just isn’t anything on anyway, and it’s kind of freeing not to have must see TV to keep up with. I am however, looking forward to the arrival of Dexter Season 5 in my mailbox next month.

Ryan is implementing a program at his school this year called Rachel’s Challenge. It’s a program run by the family of Rachel Scott, one of the students killed at Columbine. The goal of the program is to create a positive school culture based on kindness and change. Ryan’s really excited about the program and has been reading anything and everything he can get his hands on about Columbine. I’m reading one of his books right now, Columbine, by Dave Cullen. It’s chilling.

Speaking of books, I just finished a really good one last week. Sing You Home, by Jodi Picoult. Loved it.

I was going to write a whole post on this, but I’m not sure I have enough to say about it for that. I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot, and have read several posts by other bloggers who are questioning their blog’s purpose and direction. I’m not sure I have a clear purpose and direction at all. But maybe that’s ok. Then I read another post about how “mommybloggers” are considered by many as obnoxious and don’t have anything else going on in their lives but their kids. Well, um, pretty much guilty on that one. Yes, I realize 98% of this blog is Grayson-related, but that’s because 98% of my thoughts, energy and time go to him right now. So yes, maybe my post after post after post about his eating gets old, but it’s where we are right now. I’m sure someday I’ll move on to something more exciting, like potty training!

I do want to get a really cute design for my blog. I realize that a lot of people just read blogs on their Reader, like I do, but I still want the actual blog to be cute. Anyone have a referral of a designer who is reasonably priced??

Yesterday after work I picked Grayson up from daycare and walked in on the older kids’ Talent Show and about 5 twelve year old boys doing their rendition of Justin Bieber’s “Baby, Baby”. It was hilarious. They had the infant room door open so the babies could watch. All their eyes were as big as saucers. Again, hilarious.

We met with the ECI dietitian this morning who weighed and measured G-Man. He now weighs 15 pounds, 14 ounces and is 28.5 inches long. His weight is still 1% but he’s jumped up to 40% in length- wow! Anyway, no huge new suggestions, but we’ll just continue to feed high calorie meals and formula and do a weight check in 2 weeks. We also had our first PT session this morning. She keeps saying Grayson is “stuck”- his mobility and flexibility are low. I asked her if we work hard on his exercises how long before she thinks he’ll be sitting unassisted and she said another month.

Just realized it’s 9:00. Yes, that is my bedtime. I am going to be an awesome old person some day. Goodnight, friends.

Oh my, this is one of those days I am really glad Grayson goes to bed ridiculously early. It hasn’t been a horrible day at all, just kind of off.  We spent the night at my parents’ last night after swimming because G was cranky and not willing to stay up while we ate dinner (sometimes it is very inconvienent that he goes to bed ridiculously early).

I was scheduled to work in the church nursery this morning at 11, so we hurried home to eat, get dressed and get out the door. I carefully packed the diaper bag with everything G would need in case we were stranded on a deserted island gone more than a few hours.

I’m halfway to church and I look to the seat next to me- no diaper bag. Uh oh. It was too late to turn around, so I just said a little prayer that we wouldn’t have any diaper catastrophes or hunger attacks. Everything was fine, and when I got home, yep, there sat the diaper bag, packed and ready to go.

I was feeling optimistic and adventurous about lunchtime today, so I decided to try feeding Grayson avacado. The last time I tried, he threw a huge fit, but I thought it was because I made it too chunky. So the first thing I did was put a hunk of it in one of those net-feeding-thingys, which if anyone has any suggestions on how to clean those things, please let me know. Bleh, they are gross. I popped him in the Bumbo, put it in his hand, he brought it to his mouth, and WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh brother. Come on kid, don’t you know avacado is the world’s most perfect food? Even the internet thinks so! I could seriously eat my weight in avacado. My kid, not so much.

Still clinging to some hope that Grayson and I will be bonding over tortilla chips and guacamole some day, I strapped him in his booster seat, forgot to put on a bib (bonus FAIL), and tried to feed him the smoothest, most pureed, no-chunks or lumps avacado (I even mixed in a little formula to make it even smoother). THIS was his reaction to THAT:

I tried again, and got Grayson’s classic “Ooh, that light is so much more interesting and lovely than that crap you are trying to feed me” head turn.

So then I gave up on avacado (for now), stripped him down, and G had a lovely time playing on the floor and just being adorable.

I think this one’s a keeper!

Dear Grayson,

Today, my sweet little Monster, you are 10 months old. Double digits. 2 months away from your first birthday. I guess I missed the day you were officially out of my belly longer than you were in, but it wasn’t too long ago. It’s amazing how much you’ve grown and changed since that September morning when you made your debut into this world.

As evidenced by the picture above (and pretty much any picture I take these days when I try and get you to smile) you have discovered how to stick out your tongue. You do it all the time, but especially when you are happy. You are too cute, little one.

This month has flown by as fast as any other, but as typical with any summer, we’ve lacked a strict routine and I think both you and I are ready to get back to somewhat of a schedule. Today is your second day of daycare, and I hope I do better than I did on Monday. Yes, I said I, not you. You were your typical laid-back, rockstar self, easily fitting in to your new surroundings, while your momma was full of tears and doubts and to be honest, feeling like I was going to throw up all day. But then, when I went to pick you up, there you were, playing happily on the floor with the other babies. I know you are going to be just fine. And I will too (hopefully).

I love your teeny tiny hospital gown they made you wear at your GI appointment

Your biggest accomplishment this month is you are now prop sitting! The world is so much more interesting from that position isn’t it?

You probably think your Mommy is a little nuts with all the food I’m trying to get you to like, but you sure are a good sport about it. Eating may not be your number one priority in life, but you have yet to flat out refuse anything I’ve tried to feed you (unless it has chunks, and then, OH MY WORD, the DRAMA.) Trust me, it’s okay for food to have a little texture to it, silly goose. You weigh 15 pounds, 8 ounces, and we are hoping to see that number get bigger this month!

Just this week, we had a physical therapy evaluation and it was decided that yes, you do indeed need physical therapy to help you get stronger. You now have five teachers who come to our house to help you, and we love every one of them. They are so sweet to you and have such great ideas. They often come with new toys and contraptions for you to try out- so much fun. We are so blessed that we have the ECI program available to us!

In your “Little Room”- lots of visual and tactile stimulation

Teeth STINK

After a 2 month hiatus, you decided this week to cut a third tooth. This one comes complete with a runny nose, red eyes, stinky diapers, and lots of discomfort. You’ve woken up screaming 3 nights in a row, but it’s nothing that a little Tylenol and some cuddling didn’t make better. How many teeth do you have left to cut? Eek.

We wondered for months which soothing device you were going to pick- the pacifier or your thumb. Over the last week, you have almost eliminated the pacifier altogether but that thumb is constantly in your mouth. I’m just glad you have something to calm you!

Oh, my little sweet pea, I love you so, so much. And I’m not the only one. You have so many friends, family and people you don’t even know yet pulling for you, praying for you, and loving you. You are such a special little boy. Happy 10 months Grayson!

Oh my goodness, my life has gotten busy the past few weeks! I can’t complain- lots of really good things happening, but I sure am missing my down-time too! I thought this summer was going to be full of “free” time because Ryan was home-well, it turned out to be exactly the opposite. We have been go, go, go since the beginning of June. Starting this coming week, we should be back to somewhat of a schedule, but I don’t see things getting less busy- sigh. Here’s what’s going on.

• I’ve been working a few days a week and most weekends this summer. Grayson has been staying home with Ryan while I work, which Ryan has called Daddy Boot Camp. I decided a few weeks ago that I’m going to try to continue working 2 days a week when Ryan goes back to work (this week). I love my job, and we could sure use the money. Grayson will be going to a little daycare on the same street as my job (literally, I can get there in 30 seconds or less). He starts tomorrow. I really hope it will be a good thing for both of us- I can continue working at a job I love, and Grayson can get some interaction and stimulation from someone other than me.

• We are having Grayson evaluated this week by a physical therapist. So, there’s a good possiblity he will have 4 therapists now. I’m a little nervous about this because we’ll have 4 therapists and 3 available days for therapy. Plus, I still want to do Bible study at church this fall and of course have playdates with our friends. I’m wondering how in the world we are going to fit it all in!

• Grayson’s eating continues to be a source of stress. The latest- he’s decided he no longer likes formula. Or isn’t hungry for formula. Or something. All I know is the kid sleeps 12-13 hours at night and wakes up and drinks 2 ounces. And then every few hours, drinks another 2. What’s up with that?! I’ve come up with a super high calorie, yummy concoction that quite possibly could be filling him up. His “porridge” (which I love to call it about 100 times a day because it drives Ryan nuts) is oatmeal, goat milk, yogurt, almond butter, and bananas. Trust me, it’s delicious. And miraculously, Grayson loves it. But I’m still confused as to what’s more important at this point- the 30 ounces of formula he’s supposed to be drinking (he drank maybe 10 today- oy) or the 3 meals of high calorie solids he’s supposed to be eating. Because it’s not all happening. We are being referred to ECI’s dietician, so hopefully we can meet with her soon and get this all sorted out. And hopefully she won’t tell me to give my baby butter.

• As I wrote about before, I’m trying to restart my painting business. I really want to get into ceramic plates, as well as continue doing canvas. But, as mentioned above, finding the time to do it is going to be a challenge. I do have a few orders this week (yay!) so I’ll be breaking out the paints tomorrow night!

So, mostly really good things are happening in life right now. I just don’t want to get so  busy that life just whizzes by. Before Grayson, that’s how I always felt about life. When he arrived, in some ways, life slowed way down, and I spent the majority of my time just soaking in and enjoying my baby. I just want to be careful that I still allow for plenty of time to do that. Because this little mess will always be my top priority!

My sweet boy had his 6 month review for therapy today with 3 of his “teachers”. We discussed his progress, made new goals for the next 6 months, and they wrote down everything we talked about. This is my very favorite part of the review:

I totally agree!

I’m becoming more and more disenchanted with doctors and the medical community in general. When we started taking Grayson to specialists at 3 months old, I had a lot of faith that these doctors would be able to run their tests and use their vast medical knowledge and experience to diagnose and “fix” my little boy.

Umm, it hasn’t quite worked out so easily. We have no real diagnosis, no real prognosis, and no satisfying answers.

And honestly, I can’t blame these things on doctors. I realize medicine is limited and doctors don’t know everything.

But. Sometimes I feel like these doctors aren’t really digging for answers. They don’t question slightly high blood levels, don’t (in my mind) try and link all his symptoms, and sometimes seem annoyed and brush off my questions (again, this could be just my perception, but it is- my perception). And sometimes the things they suggest, when I think about them for any length of time, just seem pretty dumb.

We saw a Gastroenterologist this morning. Poor Grayson was dead asleep when it was time to leave (he was so tired from traveling I put him to bed at 4:45 pm, he slept until 4:30 am, bottle, then back to deep sleep until I finally woke him at 6:15). The GI doctor was dry, to put it nicely. He didn’t say one word to Grayson, even when he was examining him. Weird. I understand not everyone is comfortable talking to babies, but you are a pediatric doctor.

Basically the doctor’s great diagnosis for G’s being underweight is he isn’t consuming enough calories. Well yes, I know that. G will often sleep 12 hours and then drink a whopping 3 ounces of formula. He’s 9 months old and has never taken more than 6 ounces in a bottle, and usually it’s 4 ounces. So I had several questions for the doctor.

Do you have any tricks or tips on getting him to drink more formula each bottle? No

What variety should I be feeding him in terms of solids each day? Doesn’t matter, a calorie is a calorie.

What?! Really? So you’re saying if I feed him a donut it’s as good as feeding him a bowl of peas? I don’t buy it.

Then a nutritionist came in to talk to us, armed with 3 samples of Pediasure- chocolate, vanilla and strawberry (Neopolitan! as Ryan called it). She wants us to feed him a bottle of Pediasure instead of formula before he goes to bed at night. I looked at the ingredients- guess what the second ingredient listed is, after water? Yep, sugar. Grreeaat. So you want me to feed my 9 month old basically a chocolate milkshake before bed? Sounds healthy to me! Oh, but I guess it’s ok, as long as he gains weight, right?

Then she suggested we start mixing a pat of butter in with his solids. I’m wary of this one too. As my friend (who has also gone through this with her daughter) said today, “Do we want our kids growing up to think peas taste like butter?”.

Her other suggestion was start feeding him Cheerios. Cheerios have no real dense calories- they are just going to fill him up. Plus he can’t pick up Cheerios yet. Ugh.

So tonight, I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that a world-renowned hospital’s nutritionist thinks the solution to my baby being little is sugar and butter. That in a day that we are bombarded with warnings of childhood obesity and diabetes, our doctors aren’t offering very helpful advice on good fats and smart calorie choices. I sat down and googled “Good Sources of Fat for Babies”. Once again, Dr. Google was way more helpful than Texas Children’s.

And another thing. Every book, website, chart, etc. says babies are supposed to triple their birthweight by one year. G’s birthweight tripled would be 16 pounds, 5 ounces. He only has a little over a pound to go and almost three months to get there. So I guess now my question is (after thinking about this all day), is he really underweight? Is he expected to weigh as much as a baby that weighed 8 pounds at birth when he weighed not even 5 1/2?

Aren’t humans supposed to listen to their body’s cues to tell them when they are hungry and when they are full? Is it possible Grayson really does only need 3 ounces in the morning sometimes? If I start feeding him more than his body tells him it needs, is that going to screw up his system and possibly cause him to become an overeater later on? Of course I don’t want to deprive him of what his body needs to grow and become strong, but are we making an issue out of something that doesn’t need to be made an issue?

Any thoughts, comments and/or suggestions? Am I totally off-base here? Do you think I should feed Grayson Pediasure and butter?



Giving Grandaddy a kiss at the airport before our flight

Yes, this was only a 4 day trip…oy

Posing with Grandaddy in front of his alma mater- the Midland High Chemics-  most hilarious, nerdy mascot EVER

Yes, the have a molecule in front of the school. No wonder my dad grew up to be a chemical engineer!

LOOK WHO’S TRIPODING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So proud of himself- he is SO CLOSE to sitting on his own!

Rose Garden at the Dow Gardens in Midland

Just more cute sitting!

What a great suprise for G to meet his Aunt Carrie! We didn’t know she would be in Michigan too!

Four Generations

Saying goodbye to Great-Grammie

Kissing Papap goodbye- so sweet

3 hour layover in Detroit- looking at the planes

Zonked on the plane home (yay!)