Right after Nolan was born, I said I wanted to be sure to document how life is in this season, because I know in a few years, I probably won’t be able to recall much just from memory. The problem is, it’s really difficult to find the motivation to write at the end of the day when all I want to do is do absolutely nothing. For me, I think the biggest difference between having 2 and 3 children is there is no break, no chance for me to sit and do something for myself until they are all asleep. Someone is always unhappy or needing something. And our house is on the market, so on top of keeping everyone alive, breathing, and relatively happy, I have to constantly make sure our house is “perfect” for a showing.

There’s definitely the emotional/psychological difficulty of having three small, needy children. While I’ve always understood why a lot of women say they could never stay home with their kids, now I truly get it. I don’t have that feeling all the time (or even a lot of the time) but there are moments where I fantasize about going back to work- more money and adult interaction are very enticing. But of course the grass is always greener on the other side, and I do truly love staying home with the kids, insane neediness and all, and right now, I know this is what’s best for our family. Then there’s the guilt. I’m constantly worried that I’m not giving them, especially G and C, the attention they need. I’ve lost it with Charlotte more than once (ok, a lot more than once) and find some days my patience with her is very thin. At the end of the day, she is always so sweet with her hugs, kisses, and “I Love Yous”, so hopefully there hasn’t been any permanent damage to her psyche.

Physically, mothering these little people is challenging too. Nolan is taking this whole “4th trimester baby” thing to heart and refuses to be put down in any kind of artificial contraption that isn’t me. He still nurses a lot and much to my surprise, has made me a baby-wearer. He’s in the carrier hours and hours a day, making me totally touched-out and just wanting to collapse in bed by 7:30 at night. Charlotte has started this (totally adorable) pretend play stage, but of course she wants me to participate in all the scenarios she comes up with, which always involve putting on other people’s shoes and jumping up and down. And play doh. Lots and lots of play doh. I know for a fact that there will be no play doh in Heaven. And then of course Grayson is completely physically demanding. His stiffness has returned, making positioning him really challenging. He loves to be held, but I can’t hold him and wear my little screamer at the same time.

A lot of the time, I feel like we are just making it through the day, and I’ve just had to accept this is where we are right now. I know we will hit our stride at some point and I won’t feel like I’m drowning in children and laundry. But until then, a few things that are helping me survive:

• Low, LOW expectations. We haven’t visited a single pumpkin patch this year. My kids have no matching outfits for this “magical” fall season and I’m not even trying to pretend that we have it all together. (I don’t know why when I see pictures of children in matching smocked outfits sitting in pumpkins, I think, wow, what a perfect family). We are having family pictures done this weekend, but I emailed the photographer that we are probably a photographer’s worst nightmare- 2 kids who can’t sit, stand or follow directions, and a strong willed toddler. I just want a shot of the five of us together to document this time. No one is going to be pinning anything from this photoshoot.
• Screen time. Charlotte is on the ipad way too much, and according to the internet, is going to be ruined for life. But if she’s ruined for life, she’ll know how to open a Surprise Egg and sing 5,000 verses of “Daddy Finger”- maybe she can start her own YouTube channel.
• Play Doh. I hate play doh with a passion. But she loves it, and when she’s playing with it, she’s usually not hanging on me
• Early bedtime. Grayson and Charlotte are in bed by 7:00, and usually earlier than that. Charlotte sometimes stays awake for an hour, singing and playing with her stuffed animals, but she stays in her bed. Once I get her in bed, I grab a quick dinner, bathe Nolan, and we go upstairs and go to bed. Yes, I’m usually in bed and asleep by 8:00.
• Grayson’s nurse. She is truly one of the biggest blessings for our family. She spends the night 4 nights a week, so I don’t have to do any of the physical stuff with G in the evening or morning (lifting, bathing, meds, catching vomit). And she helps me with the other two kids too. We are so thankful for Mary.
• Wine, bread and cheese. Just saying.
• Friends. I have the BEST friends. Seriously, the best. And I love that they fill different roles. One I can text that I’m having a really crappy day and that the kids are driving me insane, and I won’t get any judgment or an “I told you so” (even though she did tell me so when I was contemplating a third kid). One I can share my concerns about Nolan’s weigh gain and without any hesitation show her a poopy diaper to make sure it’s normal. Another I can send a screenshot of some totally eye-roll worthy post on FB and know she’s rolling her eyes along with me. And then there’s my sister in law, who we have at least weekly playdates with and inspires me to be a better mom. And there’s more- so many prayers, lunches, texts, and just support. I love my friends.
• Family. We are so lucky to have so much of our family in the city we live. My mom helps me out a ton with the kids, and she continues to be Charlotte’s most favorite person ever. All our family helps, whether it be with childcare, a place to hang out during a house showing, or just for emotional support. Ryan has really embraced being a father of three, and takes over Grayson duties when Mary isn’t here, cooks dinner most nights, and takes Charlotte on “dates” when I just need a little time apart from her.
• Cute kids. My kids are adorable. And funny. And cuddly. And all that totally wins out over the hard stuff.

I posted this a few years ago when we were right in the thick of figuring out what was going on with Grayson. It was and continues to be one of my favorite quotes that I relate to parenting. So simple, yet so profound.

It’s been a sad, confusing week. Last Friday, I was on my way to Dallas for my sister’s wedding and got word that one of Grayson’s teachers had very unexpectedly passed away at the age of 37. Alexis had been Grayson’s teacher since he started at The Caroline School in August of 2012. They spent 30 hours a week together. For a child who thrives on consistency and routine, Alexis was a hugely important part of Grayson’s life, and he adored her. All the children did. 

I am so completely stressed out right now. I won’t rehash all the details here, because I honestly don’t want to think about all the crap that’s happened the last six weeks or so, but it involves a LOT of money spent on unexpected house repairs, shady repair people, car repairs, and hours and hours in the car with three small children. It got to the point a few weeks ago where I was dreading getting out of bed in the morning because I just knew something bad was going to happen.

(Also, counting my blessings and all that, we have all been healthy, thank God)

Something has got to change. I hate, HATE driving and I spend hours in the car every day. And to make it worse, I think Nolan hates the car more than I do and screams almost the whole time we are in the car unless we are going 70 mph on the freeway. And this rarely happens because Houston traffic is awful, even at 2:30 in the afternoon. And when Nolan screams, it upsets Charlotte, and she screams. Then the two of them screaming stresses out Grayson and he starts to cry. And then I feel guilty and upset that all three of them are so miserable and my anxiety goes through the roof, and a lot of times I start to cry. We are a mess.

Today we were in the car almost four hours total. That’s not right. We were trying to get to a doctors appointment for Grayson- an appointment I’ve already had to reschedule twice. There was an accident on the freeway and we were trapped for almost two hours- and had to cancel the appointment. The kids were screaming almost the entire time. Finally, we made it to Chick Fil A, and thank God for the sweet woman who helped me get everyone in (a stroller, wheelchair and toddler). Nolan was still hysterical and she offered to get him some ice cream to calm him down- and she was being totally serious. Ha! Ryan met us there (he took off work early to take G to his appointment, ugh) and we ate, Nolan nursed, and Charlotte played. We all calmed down, but then we had to load everyone back in the van to get home, and of course that got Nolan started again.

I don’t want to be a stressed out mom, with stressed out kids, but I fear that’s the atmosphere we are in right now. People say, don’t wish these days away, enjoy your kids when they are little. That’s not the problem with me. I do enjoy my kids- I just don’t enjoy the rush, rush, rush in the morning just to sit for 45 minutes in traffic with crying babies. I don’t enjoy doing something fun and relaxing with them in the morning, only to be faced with the decision whether or not it’s worth it to drive all the way home for an hour, only to turn around and drive back in again. I hate listening to Charlotte cry “I want to go home” and “I want to stay at home with you” and I can’t give her what she wants.

We are planning to move- back to the suburb where we lived before Charlotte was born. We want a yard, neighbors, and a life. A life where we live. I want fighting traffic on a major freeway to be the exception rather than an every day occurrence. I want to find things to fill our days in our neighborhood instead of a 30 minute drive away. I’m just DONE with the way things are right now. I need a change. Now, I just need to be patient while this process unfolds, and possibly invest in some earplugs…

Dear Nolan,

Dear Grayson,

Happy Birthday sweet boy (1 week late). Yeah, the late thing- get used to that. I am certainly not on top of blogging/memory keeping these days. Between you and your little brother and sister, I barely have time to breathe.

Your actual birthday came and went, but your Daddy and I keep marveling at the fact that you are five now- FIVE! You are so big, and so grown up looking. Worlds away from that teeny tiny 5 pound baby we met half a decade ago.

You are doing really, really well right now. Everyone comments on how alert and engaged you are. Your surgery in May was a success and you are finally pain free for the most part. It was a long, hard summer of recovery for you, but I think the end result was worth it.

You love interacting with people, and adore when people get close to your face and talk to  you. You are back at your wonderful school for your 4th school year there- every day I am so, so thankful you have a place to go that you love so much with teachers who love you and take such good care of you.

Your Veggie Tales obsession continues, and you are happiest when Bob and Larry are singing to you while you chew on one of your toys.

You have a new baby brother, but his presence hasn’t seemed to faze you. I love the fact that you now have a brother, and I’m excited to see how Nolan grows up to love you. I know Charlotte isn’t being particularly nice or kind to you these days. Please just give her time- she’s not as easy going about this huge life change as you. She does love you and she’ll come back around.

Grayson, as always I am so proud of you and proud to be your Mommy. Happy 5th, my Monster Man. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Mommy

So, I had a baby two weeks ago. And every night I’ve thought that I really should update my blog, but of course any moments of rest and sleep I can get have won out every time.

Nolan Reid was born September 1 at 8:31 pm. He weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long. He has a head full of dark hair which has already won him hundreds of compliments. He looks a lot like his big sister, but heaven help me if he has her personality too. I got my wish of having a September baby (barely!) but feel a little bad that he was born on his cousin Theo’s second birthday- especially after Charlotte was born on my brother’s (Theo’s dad) birthday. Oops.

We chose his first name, Nolan, after my childhood nickname. I played softball and when I started pitching, I loved to strike batters out and my dad started calling me Nolan (obviously after Nolan Ryan). So this baby is sort of named after me. Reid is his middle name for no other reason other than we love the name- and yes, I know Nolan Ryan does have a son named Reid, but that really had nothing to do with our choice.

I may or may not write Nolan’s birth story out- but the birth was very similar to my other two, and it really was a wonderful experience. I am so thankful that I’ve had three births that have been so positive and exactly what was best for me. I do wish I hadn’t scarfed down that La Madeleine sandwich an hour after Nolan arrived- that did not end well!

The easiest part of having a third baby is the actual baby. I really think everyone should have their third baby first, because oh, to be a first time mom and be this relaxed about the baby and have only ONE baby- well, that’s the dream. Seriously, Nolan is nothing but a sweet little ball of cuddles. Breastfeeding is going fantastically, much to my surprise. I’m not tracking how long he’s nursing, or really how long between feedings, and somehow it’s working. I’m changing a million diapers a day, and he’s been gaining his ounce a day that he’s supposed to, so I’m just not going to worry about it. Such a change. I think the fact that I had a really hard pregnancy is now paying off- I’m already used to being up in the night, so the nighttime feedings haven’t left me so fatigued this time around. Now, I’m only two weeks in, and I know that could change, but for now I feel like I’m managing it really well.

The hardest part of having a third baby has without a doubt been managing Charlotte. She adores Nolan, but is making the rest of us pay for turning her world upside down. She melts down constantly over the smallest things, and nothing is ever right. I am trying so hard to be patient and understanding with her, but it’s really, really hard. By about 4:00 in the afternoon I’ve hit the wall and start counting the minutes until I can put her to bed. Interestingly, in the last few days she’s been taking a lot of her frustrations out on her older brother. She’s been telling me, “You are Charlotte’s mommy and Nolan’s mommy- NOT GG’s mommy”. (she calls Grayson GG). She completely loses it when I tell her it’s time to pick Grayson up from school, and forget any kind of sane, rational behavior when I have to take care of him in any way. Poor Grayson- the totally innocent victim of psycho toddler!

Yes, it’s been really difficult, but then there are moments like this that (almost) make the crazy worth it.

This week, we have finally (FINALLY) started our fall schedule. It was a brutal, long summer and I am so glad to have an out-of-the-house routine again. Yesterday we went to MOPS and today Bible study. People say they are amazed that I am out of the house so soon, but it’s not amazing, it’s survival. I feel so much better physically now that I’m not pregnant, and I’m hoping my motivation to blog regularly again will return. I know there will be lots to write about on this new crazy adventure!

August has been, to put it mildly, challenging so far. I’m 36 weeks pregnant today, and well, I’m just having a hard time. Every morning, I go over my mental to-do list of things that really should be accomplished before this baby arrives, and every evening, it’s all I can do to contain the mess made by the tiny tornado living in this house. I really fear for this poor little baby- poor thing is really going to have to compete with a lot of neediness and chaos going on around here. On my to-do list: setting up his/her therapy fund.

This stage I’m in is just hard. I feel a little guilty complaining about it because I know there are so many who deal with more kids/harder medical situations/more stressful finances than us. But I just have to admit, this is where I am right now. Most days I feel completely and overwhelmed by my current life and the life that is to come in just a few short weeks. I just keep telling myself that perhaps it will be a little easier when I’m not pregnant and can feel better physically and have more energy (but then there’s the sleep deprivation).

I never could have predicted 6 months ago how draining and challenging 2 1/2 year old Charlotte could be. We started off the year (and this pregnancy) in such a sweet spot with her, but it has escalated into a not-so-sweet stage. Poor thing has dealt with a lot the past few months, along with it being summer and a billion degrees outside and no real routine- but she is testing every single limit every second of the day. I am so, so frustrated with her behavior and it makes me so sad that she seems so miserable so much of the day. And the mess she makes. Dumping toys, food everywhere, playdough remnants stuck to the furniture- it’s making me crazy. Yesterday while she napped I packed up 80% of her toys- I just can’t take the constant dumping right now. I’m praying that even though the baby is going to turn things even more upside down for her, a more structured routine and cooler weather will help all of us settle down a bit.

Grayson is having a good week. He was in the hospital last week for 4 nights- he caught a virus that both Charlotte and I had with very mild symptoms but just knocked him flat. The worst part of this illness for him was it caused terrible, horrible pain in his legs/hips- so much that we were worried about a bone infection or other post-surgery complication. He was on round-the-clock pain meds again the whole time we were in the hospital. Fortunately, since we’ve been home is pain has been so much more manageable and seems to be less and less every day. We follow up with the surgeon and his rehab doctor next week. His school starts back Thursday (hallelujah!) but he has a tube-change scheduled that morning so he will start back on Friday.

I am surviving the last few weeks of pregnancy, although it feels like just barely. The nausea is definitely better than it has been, although I still have to wake up at 2 am to eat and take part of a Zofran, or I am a sick mess in the morning. But the nausea has been replaced with other pains, sleeplessness and just general discomfort, which I know is all normal. I’ve never made it past 38 weeks and my doctor doesn’t seem to think I will this time either, so most likely I have less than 2 weeks to go- eek! I considered scheduling an induction, because the unpredictability of life right now is just killing me, but she can’t do it before 39 weeks, so it’s probably not an option anyway. And because this is my last time to do this, I really do want to go into labor on my own.

So that’s life right now. Exciting times coming very soon- let’s just hope I survive until then!

Dear Charlotte,

So What if I haven’t blogged in weeks…again. These days, unless it’s crucial, I just don’t do what I don’t feel like doing. 

‘

What are you saying So What about today?