Reentry

It’s been over a week since I got home from BlogHer, and I’ll be honest, last week was emotionally hard. Really hard. I came away from that weekend on such a high- inspired and motivated to write, make more connections online, and make a difference in the world- and then I came home to…my life. My life that is full of blessings, and important work, but that is also repetitive, monotonous and a time-sucker. And I got a little depressed. And I was tired, oh so tired. Part of that might have to do with the fact that Ryan went back to work, Grayson’s nurse left for a month long trip to Africa, and my parents left the country for a few weeks. It wasn’t just that they weren’t here physically, it was knowing that they couldn’t be here. Grayson is also off school for two weeks, which presents its own challenges. And I missed my friends- I missed spending time with Lisa for hours and hours like we were back in college, and I missed Esperanza- I looked forward to this trip, and meeting her, for months, and it was wonderful, but it’s over. Waaaaahhh.

Last weekend I sat in front of women who wear power suits on Monday mornings, while I’m wearing  faded tshirts and khaki shorts. They are running billion dollar media companies while I’m scrubbing smashed blueberries off my kitchen floor and filling syringes with medication. Last weekend I attended a writing workshop where we read poetry and talked about imagery in our writing, and today I fielded meltdown after meltdown from my daughter when I gave her exactly what she was asking for (and therefore my next blog post just might be titled “Toddlers are Insane”).

I don’t need to be told that what I do is important, and valuable and is changing the world (I may not be Arianna Huffington but I’ve read every parenting article on her site), but it is hard not to be jealous or wistful when you are reminded that there are people out there with really cool jobs that don’t involve poopy diapers or naptime negotiations. That there are people who blog and thousands of people want to read and comment on what they’ve written and big companies want to give them money to talk about their products. There are people who write and their posts go viral and they are chosen to read their writing in front of thousands of women at a huge blogging conference. And what’s silly is I’m not even sure I would want any of that, but…

I have so many things I want to write about, but just can’t seem to find the mental energy or clarity to write about anything more than the repetitive challenges that are being a mom. And maybe that’s just where I am right now. Maybe I don’t need to change the world, or tackle social justice- today. Today I need to vent about toddler tantrums and how my heart hurts when Grayson looks into my eyes after he throws up with that save me look, because I can’t save him. Because I’ve read said HuffPost articles, and because I know people past the baby/toddler stage of parenting, I know that this season won’t last forever- the days are long but the years are short, blah blah, blah. The physically and mentally exhausting sleep/diaper/feed/meltdown/play cycle is temporary and will be replaced by less physical, but more emotional challenges. Perhaps then I’ll have more time and brain cells to devote to some of these other topics that other bloggers seem to write about so frequently and effortlessly.

#Reentrysucks but I’m determined for this week to be better. I’m embracing the craziness, the stickiness and the joy that comes from being Mom to my little people. And honestly, I’d much rather wear a tshirt than a power suit anyway.

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5 thoughts on “Reentry

  1. I just wrote a long comment only for it to disappear when I hit publish! 😦
    What I said in a nut shell was how I can SO relate to you in being envious of successful career women! That was supposed to be me!! Instead I spent most of my life in school to earn what now feels like a worthless PhD!! And the fact that you were able to escape the daily grind for a few days, well, I'm envious of that too! I don't foresee myself getting away for a DAY, much less several!! It's definitely a stressful life we live! Hoping you have some smooth days while you're low on help!! I know you'll be ready for you parents (and nurse) to return!! Thinking of you!

  2. As you know, I can totally relate. I feel like I'm just fumbling through the days. I can't seem to get my feet under me. I'm kind of a mess.

    It was amazing to be surrounded by incredible women who are doing so much and writing so well, but it also made me feel… small… and insignificant. I know I am not those things, but I'm having a hard time changing it around in my head.

    Reentry is WAY harder than I expected it would be. The whole conference just kind of threw me for a loop. I'm still processing…

  3. What you are feeling is something every person, and I think women in particular experience, whether they admit it or not. It is so easy to catch a glimpse of someone else's seemingly perfect life and then compare our own totally imperfect life to theirs. I am so guilty of this!!! So I can say I really do know how you feel. It will pass. I'm still praying for Grayson and for you my friend! Blessings from Missouri!

  4. While I wouldn't call my job glamorous, or even one anyone else wants (ha!), I'm pretty much doing exactly what I thought I'd be doing, exactly what I wanted to be doing. And I am in small ways changing the world. But I'll be damned if I don't often wish I was at home washing blueberries off my walls and changing diapers and with my boys all day every day. Don't we all have those “grass is greener” moments?

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