Yesterday, you turned three and a half. It was a beautiful, sunny day and we spent the afternoon outside. You were tired, but seemed to enjoy it. I struggle with words to write to you, because there is so much to say, yet really not much at all. The two things that keep coming to my mind are “I’m sorry” and “I love you”.
I’m sorry your life is so hard. I’m sorry you can’t walk, or talk, or eat. I’m sorry you struggle every day with vomiting. I’m sorry you have to take so much medicine and are attached to a pump all day every day. I’m sorry you have to be in the hospital every time you get sick. I’m sorry you get so tired so easily. I’m sorry you can’t suck your thumb anymore. I’m so, so sorry.
But I love you, and so do so many people. And I love taking care of you. I love holding you, cuddling with you, and tucking you into bed. I love singing to you and making you smile. I love when our family does things and goes places and you get to come. And I will continue to love these things, however long you are with us.
You continue to teach us so much with the testimony of your life. You teach me I can’t plan for everything, control most things, or predict the future, but I can live and enjoy each day for what it is: another day with you. You teach your Daddy patience, and how to love completely and unconditionally a son who isn’t at all who he had pictured in his mind before you were born. And you teach your little sister empathy and gentleness; she adores you and wants to take care of you.
I am so very blessed to be your mommy, Grayson. I love you to the moon and back.