Hard

Life is so hard sometimes. Not that it’s not good- it’s just hard. Sometimes I feel ungrateful or weak for admitting that I am so stressed, and that I wish things would be a little easier. I wish I didn’t base my “goal” date to stay pregnant until after a big doctors appointment for Grayson. I wish we didn’t have to move, or worry about money so much, or wonder when Grayson’s next emergency will be.

We spent the night in the hospital Thursday night. In the big picture, it wasn’t a huge deal- Grayson’s GJ tube came out. I don’t know how it happened- I was rocking him and smelled formula, so I checked his tummy and the tube was about 3 inches out. Since it was late in the afternoon by the time we got to the ER, we had to wait until the next day for the procedure (under anesthesia) to be put back in. We got home about 26 hours after arriving. I’m so thankful he wasn’t sick and it wasn’t anything more serious, but it was still a whole day in the hospital. With our only child.

The next time this (or something more serious and requiring a more lengthy hospital stay), we’ll likely have two kids. Two kids that will need round-the-clock care. Starting Friday night, Baby C really started making it clear that s/he is HERE and is demanding attention. I think s/he gained about a pound overnight. I feel HUGE, my back hurts, other body parts hurt, and I’m having more and more moments of “get out of me” thoughts.

Anyway, life goes on. And it will. It’s just going to be SO much more complicated now, and especially in emergency/unexpected medical situations. I know we’ll always have help- we have a nurse who is great, my mom is working part time starting this week so she can help us, and I have a huge network of friends and people who are willing to do/give us whatever we need. But I know it’s still going to be hard to leave one child to care for the other for possibly days at a time. I know guilt is not/will not be the appropriate emotion- but I know it will be there.

I already feel guilty for the amount of time we’ve had to board Hank lately- and he’s a dog. He acted out with some other dogs at the kennel this weekend, and I know it’s because his life has been turned upside down- he’s lost his 3 canine sisters, he sees us boxing up our house, Ryan and I are obviously stressed…poor guy.

I know someday we’ll have a little relief from the stress- it just seems right now it’s one thing after another. And yes, life is really, really hard.

Whine, Whine, Whine

Cue sad violins…

I’ve written before about how I love being pregnant. And I do. And I will certainly miss it in a month when I no longer am.

But.

Oh my word, being pregnant kicked my butt today.

First of all, I am a lot bigger (and feel like I am getting bigger by the day) than I was the first time around. Little Peanut Grayson measured weeks behind my whole third trimester. I never got that “get this thing OUT of me I am so uncomfortable” feeling. I’m not quite there, but umm…so this is what it feels like to be huge, tired and yes, UNCOMFORTABLE. Seriously, I would give anything for a night’s sleep on my stomach without waking up 42 times to go to the bathroom.

And my patience is ZERO. I’m blaming the hormones, because otherwise, I would qualify myself as World’s Worst Mother today. I honestly cannot remember a day in Grayson’s life where he drove me this insane. I told him I was going to sell him to the circus. And it’s not like he was any different today than any other day- waking up way too early, whining, whining, whining, refusing to nap except for 30 minutes in the arms of my friend at our PLAYdate (and then proceeded to scream while he wasn’t sleeping). And carrying his awkward, stiff little body everywhere is starting to hurt. Sigh. Praise the Lord for his 6:00 pm bedtime- it didn’t come soon enough tonight!

And I’m going to have TWO of these little rascals? Oy.

But it will be ok. Right? RIGHT?

The Pioneer Woman cinnamon rolls I ate for dinner (don’t judge) helped a little (thanks MIL). And sneaking in on this little dude while he sleeps-well,  he’s definitely worth days like this.