Hard

Life is so hard sometimes. Not that it’s not good- it’s just hard. Sometimes I feel ungrateful or weak for admitting that I am so stressed, and that I wish things would be a little easier. I wish I didn’t base my “goal” date to stay pregnant until after a big doctors appointment for Grayson. I wish we didn’t have to move, or worry about money so much, or wonder when Grayson’s next emergency will be.

We spent the night in the hospital Thursday night. In the big picture, it wasn’t a huge deal- Grayson’s GJ tube came out. I don’t know how it happened- I was rocking him and smelled formula, so I checked his tummy and the tube was about 3 inches out. Since it was late in the afternoon by the time we got to the ER, we had to wait until the next day for the procedure (under anesthesia) to be put back in. We got home about 26 hours after arriving. I’m so thankful he wasn’t sick and it wasn’t anything more serious, but it was still a whole day in the hospital. With our only child.

The next time this (or something more serious and requiring a more lengthy hospital stay), we’ll likely have two kids. Two kids that will need round-the-clock care. Starting Friday night, Baby C really started making it clear that s/he is HERE and is demanding attention. I think s/he gained about a pound overnight. I feel HUGE, my back hurts, other body parts hurt, and I’m having more and more moments of “get out of me” thoughts.

Anyway, life goes on. And it will. It’s just going to be SO much more complicated now, and especially in emergency/unexpected medical situations. I know we’ll always have help- we have a nurse who is great, my mom is working part time starting this week so she can help us, and I have a huge network of friends and people who are willing to do/give us whatever we need. But I know it’s still going to be hard to leave one child to care for the other for possibly days at a time. I know guilt is not/will not be the appropriate emotion- but I know it will be there.

I already feel guilty for the amount of time we’ve had to board Hank lately- and he’s a dog. He acted out with some other dogs at the kennel this weekend, and I know it’s because his life has been turned upside down- he’s lost his 3 canine sisters, he sees us boxing up our house, Ryan and I are obviously stressed…poor guy.

I know someday we’ll have a little relief from the stress- it just seems right now it’s one thing after another. And yes, life is really, really hard.

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15 thoughts on “Hard

  1. Praying for you all, E! Since we had N first, our healthy and typical kid, it was different for us. Life WAS normal for him up to a point and then it wasn't. That was always hard for me. We tried to keep his life as normal as possible, letting him go elsewhere when we had therapy and medical appointments and testing (we still do), but life is what it is. I'll never forget the time he was visiting K and I in the hospital during one of our stays and I was feeling torn and he said, "I love it when K is in the hospital!! Dad and I get to drive out to the city when it is dark and you always take me for McDonald's when we get here!" It reminded me that the things I worry about often isn't even on their radar. You guys will find your way through whatever comes next, I'm sure of it!

  2. Sorry you're having a rough go of it. It will be harder, especially in the newborn stage, when things go wrong. But it sounds like you have a good support network there. And the baby won't know different, and it will be fine. You can do it.

  3. I feel your pain, I really do! And it is hard, really hard. And there's guilt…lots of it. But it all comes in waves, so there is relief from all of it. And things WILL get better. (That's something I have to remind myself of at times!) Hang in there! Thinking of you and hoping everything goes smoothly and as stress free as possible!! 🙂

  4. So sorry for the tough week. You are under tremendous stress as the end of your pregnancy and with packing and moving. Feeling stressed is not a weakness, but a reality. Dividing your time between two kids is hard regardless of each ones needs, but all will be well as their are lots of people here to help! You will do an amazing job with the balance and really for the first 6 months little baby C will just be along for the ride…you tote where he/she needs to go.

  5. Oh Elizabeth. That sounds really, really, really HARD. And I'm sure it will get harder. But I also have a lot of faith that you will get through it, because you have shown time and tme again that you can. I wins I were close by so I could help. Abiding with you.

  6. Elizabeth,I know those exact emotions as I am living them now. I can promise, though, that there are more good days than bad. You will be amazed at how quickly Grayson will love his new baby brother or sister and how the fears you had before baby number 2 no longer matter. Please let me know if you guys need anything even just to talk.

  7. Elizabeth, I'm already worried about the nights that I'm in the hospital with the new baby, and Matthew is at home without me. I breaks my heart just thinking about it – which is so small compared to your fears. I can't totally relate, but I can relate enough to just ache for you while reading this. I am so glad you have such a great support network. I know that that doesn't make things EASY, but as you always make clear, it makes things easIER, and that's nice. you have wonderful friends!I'm glad Grayson's stay was not traumatic, even if it was long. Ugh.

  8. I remember how scared I felt, right before Jack's arrival– I was down right panicked. BUT, the biggest fear to me is of the unknown… How will you handle this? You won't know until Baby gets here, but then, it will all fall into place. I just know it. Lean on your support system because this is going to be tough, but so worth it.I'm so glad that it was a quick trip for G and that he's feeling better! ❤

  9. Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry that life is crappy right now. I wish there were something I could do or say that would actually help. I guess just praying for you and believing in you. *hugs*

  10. I have this faith in you, that if anyone can handle what's coming with caring for two babes, it's you. Now, I know that's really easy for me to say, as far away as I am, but still it's true. That's not to say it's not going to be hard, or that you're not going to have really crappy moments, but you have such grace and faith. You and your husband will take care of your babies and you will all be okay. Exhausted, yes. But okay.Hugs, mama. We all have really hard days, weeks. And it takes a special kind of strength to admit it.

  11. I feel overwhelmed and stressed 85% of the time these days. Most of the time, guilt is a dominant feeling I have and rarely do I feel like I'm doing anything right. But you take on even more than I do, and you seem to do it really well! And you will with the new baby too! Just know you are so not alone!

  12. You are NOT weak for admitting stress…you are HUMAN. A mother, a wife, a friend…more than you know..you have helped someone..NOW it is your turn! Let your NETwork support you..cradle you. Hugs..we are here for you..REALLY.

  13. It will be tough when you have to leave one child to care for another who needs you more (at that moment). God won't spread you too thin and that left behind child will be in God's plan for him/her too!On Mother's Day (2012) I had 3 kids farmed out to friends so that I could care for Cody in the ICU who wasn't even responsive, Man, I struggled with where I needed to be. That mother's day I wasn't sure if I'd be a mother of 4 or 3 by the end of the day. God saw us through and my kids had an amazing Mother's Day without me. We all were so so blessed! My friends loved having my kids that day too!You will continue to be so so blessed, but now in different ways! You are smart and God will give you the wisdom to figure it out. Keep … Keeping on, you're doing great!

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