I hate crying in front of other people- I get so embarrassed, which makes it harder to stop crying. For some reason, if I’m going to have a meltdown, it’s always at church. I should know by now to carry tissues in my purse, as I’ve been losing it at church for years. So I always either end up squeezing my tear ducts in a feeble attempt to stop their production, or trying to wipe away the tears with my fingers. Then I end up with an anxiety attack the rest of the service wondering if I have mascara all over my face and/or if anyone is going to ask me if I’m okay (No, I’m not, but don’t ask me about it!).
Last Sunday, during the communion song, I felt it coming. The wave of salty liquid that would fill my eyes as I would will it not to spill over on my cheeks. FAIL. I knew my dreaded part of the service, even on a non-crying, happy day, was coming next- the Fellowship Greeting. I know, I’m not supposed to feel any negativity about a part of a worship service, but I have always found Fellowship Greetings to be AWKWARD and for this shy girl, extremely anxiety-inducing. Also, sidenote- I am NOT a germophobe but I always feel an intense need for hand sanitizer after shaking strangers hands in church- but then, do I look rude if I pull it out of my purse? I left the room quickly, hoping not to draw any attention to myself. Then I went and cried in the bathroom stall as two silly tweens laughed in front of the mirror for what seemed like forever- (where were their parents?!).
Why the meltdown? I can’t pinpoint an exact cause, or trigger- cliche, but I think I just reached my breaking point. I’m stressed- about Grayson’s development, his new eating issues, his lack of a real diagnosis. I’m worried about money. I’m stressed about my marriage-marriage is hard enough when you add a baby, but then navigating this completely foreign territory- a baby with a disability-well, it’s just hard. I’m stressed about the dogs- I love them and they are truly family members, but they are a lot to handle and take care of.
I know I need to take care of myself emotionally. Writing on this blog helps a lot, and all your comments on my posts are so appreciated and I thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I am also going to go back to the counselor I went to a few years ago, just to get some of this stuff straightened out in my head. She saved me in a very dark time a few years ago, and I am really glad I’m going to have the opportunity to talk things out with her again.
Next Sunday is baby dedication day- so NO crying in church this week. At least from me. Now Grayson in church for an hour- another story, I’m sure.