It’s getting harder. The comparing thing. I mean, not doing it.

Grayson is doing well. He’s a hard worker, but he also likes to cuddle with his momma (well, really anyone who will let him rest his head on their shoulder). He’s making progress, but it’s slow. His rate of progress isn’t as fast as the other babies, and he was already so behind. The gap is getting wider.

We’ve gotten to the point where Grayson has friends who are months younger than him that are doing things he can’t do yet. His friends his age are racing around the house crawling, getting into everything (ok, so that part I’m not jealous of). They are waving goodbye, saying “MaMa”. They are on the cusp of walking. Will Grayson be walking even by his second birthday? We don’t know.

There are so many things that Grayson rocks at. Hugs, oh, those sweet hugs. Pick him up and he wraps his little arms tight around your neck and squeezes tight. And his kisses- so wet and drooly, but sincere. And he’s smart. Put his fish and his cup in front of him and ask him to choose one of them- he picks the right one every time.

But I’m sad for him. I’m sad that his 10 month body can’t do what his 10 month brain wants to do. He’s not on the move, exploring every nook and cranny of his world. I’m sad that he can’t splash in the bathtub and play with toys because he can’t sit up yet and is still stuck in the infant tub. I’m sad that when we go places, I’m not sure how much he can see- does he notice things that would fill other babies with wonder?

He’s smothered in love, though, and he’s happy. I know he is. His face lights up when he hears his name, his little body twitches with excitement when he hears his favorite songs, and he relaxes contentedly in my arms right before bedtime.

My counselor says part of my sadness is mourning the loss of the child I was expecting. That’s a tough pill to swallow since the baby that grew inside me all those months is here. But she’s right- Grayson’s life is not what I had imagined it would be, especially since I had a completely normal pregnancy and had no warning of this journey. I feel guilty morning this other, imaginary child when I have Grayson- who is the joy of my life and I love him, accept him, and adore everything about him- just the way he is. But I guess anytime life takes a turn you aren’t expecting, even if it’s a very good one, there is some sadness and letting go of a dream.

I re-read this post I wrote months ago and was reminded that life in Holland is different than that in Italy, but still amazing. And especially amazing because I’m in Holland with my G-Man (who, as my SIL pointed out, would look awesome in wooden shoes!).

It just hit me today that Grayson’s birthday is next month. What? How in the world can I have an almost 1 year old? Of course, turning one is a huge milestone and needs to be celebrated, which means…birthday party time!

If I’m being honest, thinking about planning his birthday party is really stressing me out. I have been pouring over pinterest and etsy, marveling at people’s creativity and adorable ideas. There are so many things I would love to do- the little details that make a party spectacular- but time and money right now are a huge factor.

Time- I just don’t have much of it these days. We have 2-3 therapy sessions a week, I am working 2 days a week and a lot of times both weekend days. When we do have “free time” I like to spend it with friends. Yes, I have most evenings, but the last thing I want to do after putting G to bed is go shopping. And yes, I’m crafty, and I could make most of what I would want to do, but I’m tired. And most nights I just want to blog, read, or sleep instead of making a huge crafty mess (which I always make).

Money- Again, I just don’t have much of it these days. And every little detatil of this fabulous party in my head costs money.

So I think I’m going to try to keep this party sweet and simple. I’ve already designed the invitation, ordered his outfit (I hope it’s not too big!) and have plans to make a tushy-print cupcake plate. Other than that, I’m just going to chill out about it. Because this party should not be about me feeding my ego by having the cutest decorations or most fabulous cake. It’s about celebrating this little miracle (and the fact that we’ve survived the first year, bumps and all!)

Nothing better than this bed-headed baby first thing in the morning!